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LIFESTYLE, MENTAL MASTERY, MINDSET
31 July 2023 | Lauren Monty
This Is Why You're Getting Nowhere (And What To Do About It)
There's nothing wrong with YOU,
There's something wrong with your SYSTEMS.
One of my greatest fears...
The thing that keeps me up at night and drives me out of bed at 5:30 every morning is the fear of not living up to my potential.
It’s this deep knowing that I’m capable of so much more, grating against the reality that for the last 6 years I’ve been on the fast track to that fear becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It’s not because I lack talent, ideas, curiosity, drive, passion, enthusiasm or knowledge… I have all of that.
The things I'd been lacking, up until now, were EXECUTION, SYSTEMS, DISCIPLINE, GRIT and RESILIENCE.
I wasn’t willing to push myself to just DO THE THING.
And after 6 years of trying to figure out what the f*ck I wanted to be when I grew up, and stopping and starting so many times because I was scattered, unfocused and completely lacking confidence in my ability to build consistently…
I started believing there was just something wrong with me.
I was watching all these other people crushing it while I was getting nowhere.
So I started asking myself:
"What am I missing here? I know I'm capable of SO MUCH MORE... so why am I getting nowhere?"
I started dissecting what ultra-successful creators had that I didn't.
And not in terms of innate abilities or talents, but in terms of habits & behaviours, systems, structures and their overall lifestyle.
In the process, I started to notice ONE KEY SKILL that was consistently showing up over and over again...
And that was:
SELF-DISCIPLINE
From spending the last few years studying human potential and powerful creators who are living life on their own terms, the thing I’ve noticed over and over and over again in every single one of them is this ability to be self-directed.
Having the ability to say “I’m going to do the thing” and then executing.
And it seems like a complete paradox - because it begs the question:
"How much freedom can you have if you’re living a super disciplined lifestyle?"
But if we start to dissect the correlation between these 2 seemingly opposite things, we start seeing how they actually work together to allow us to create positive forward momentum.
It’s this idea of short term sacrifice for long term gain…
“Discipline generates options for the future. If you’re disciplined today, you’re free to choose in the future.” David Mehra
THE FREEDOM/DISCIPLINE PARADOX
The Freedom/Discipline Paradox is that, on the surface level, freedom and discipline seem like 2 completely conflicting ideas.
Freedom, on one hand, is a complete lack of restrictions - do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, say whatever you want.
Whereas discipline is the opposite, it’s extreme restriction.
For the purposes of this article, I’m specifically talking about personal freedom and self-discipline.
I define personal freedom as having autonomy.
It’s the ability to dictate your own schedule, create financial freedom, choose what projects and activities you put your energy into and live your life by your own design.
But let’s start by looking at the definitions of these 2 words - I love linguistics and actually looking up the definitions for words because it always gives me a new perspective on the words we use on a regular basis…
So first - FREEDOM.
There are a few different definitions, but for the context of this discussion and our working definition of ‘personal freedom’, let’s look at 2 in particular, which are:
"The power of self-determination attributed to the will; the quality of being independent of fate or necessity"
AND
"(freedom from) the state of not being subject to or affected by (something undesirable)"
So freedom is actually about self-determination, which is not that different to self-discipline.
It means you're determining your own path in life.
Now let’s look at DISCIPLINE.
We’re looking at this as the verb because it’s something we’re doing and we’re looking at it through the lens of self-discipline, so in the context of this discussion, these 2 definitions are most applicable:
"Train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behaviour"
AND
"(discipline oneself to do something) train oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way."
When we look at them this way, we can see they actually pair together beautifully - we can use the path of self-discipline in order to help us achieve the goal of personal freedom.
Most of us have a negative association with the idea of discipline because we connect it to being dominated by some kind of authority figure.
So there’s this internal friction which can mean that we end up sacrificing our goals because we’re unintentionally rebelling against being that authority for ourselves.
Removing any internal resistance to the idea and the concept of self-discipline and self-control gives us the ability to live by a self-determined code of behaviour.
It means that you get to cultivate that for yourself rather than having it dictated to you by some external force.
You choose that code and then you discipline yourself to follow that code because you want more freedom.
Imagine you're a ship, self-discipline is the way you steer that ship to get to your desired destination.
Without it, you’re at the whim of the ocean and the wind without having any control over which direction the ship is heading.
However, I would also propose that too much of either is unhealthy.
Too much freedom can lead to overconsumption, time wasting and lead us to sabotage our goals.
Here’s a good quote by David Mehra that gives us an idea of how too much freedom can move us further away from our goals…
“With freedom comes consequences. If you are free to buy whatever you want, you blow through your money. If you are free to eat whatever you want, you purge on junk food and feel like crap. If you are free to say whatever you want, you run the risk of being punched in the face.”
While too much discipline can lead to extreme rigidity and lack of enjoyment of life.
Being able to have them both playing together and interweaving means you can enforce your own code of behaviour on yourself so that you can create positive forward momentum in your life and move towards your goals.
I don’t know the exact formula...
But I do know from my own personal experience of honing in on self-discipline over the last 2 years, that when I lean too far into the freedom side of things, it’s much easier for me to lose the positive forward momentum I’ve built.
It’s about finding that sweet spot where you are actively practicing self-control without being a complete joy.
Although, if you ask me, the satisfaction that comes from seeing yourself growing, expanding and becoming a better version of yourself IS the greatest joy life has to offer, as Steven Kotler says:
“When we’re steering our own ship, we’re more focused, productive, optimistic, resilient, creative and healthy.”
So how do we build the skill of self-discipline?
THE DOMINO FRAMEWORK
1. Find the First Domino:
If you can find the one thing that is going to have the most impact and hone in on that, everything else becomes easier.
Just like the first domino has a knock on effect on the next one and the next one and the next one and so on, if you can find your own first domino, it will naturally have a knock on effect on other areas of your life.
For me, my first domino is physical training.
Through A LOT of trial and error, I came to the realisation that when I focus on prioritising working out no matter what, it has this knock-on effect which impacts every other area of my life.
Training and exercising more meant I naturally wanted to eat better.
I was more mindful of my sleep.
I became more intentional with how I was using my time to make sure I could get all my life tasks done AND still have 2 - 3 hours a day for my physical training.
I had more energy and focus, so I started creating more. I was more confident so I started putting myself out there more…. you get the picture.
For you, maybe it starts with diet, or maybe it starts with your creative practice, or maybe it starts with fixing your sleep habits.
Like I said, I found mine through trial and error.
So I’d say play around with a few things, give them a week or two and if it still feels really hard, maybe try starting with another domino.
2. Follow the REAL Dopamine:
“Human beings are hardwired for exploration, hardwired to push the envelope: dopamine is largely responsible for that wiring.” Steven Kotler - The Rise of Superman
This is about finding what you actually enjoy (not what you think you enjoy).
When we get a neurochemical reward for a habit or behaviour, then we’re naturally inclined to repeat it.
Instead of trying to force yourself to follow someone else’s strategy, you need to listen to your own DNA, your own biology, the things you are naturally drawn to, because that’s where the real dopamine is.
And when there’s real dopamine involved, you’ll find repeating the behaviour becomes so much easier because you’re not trying to push against your biology.
Once I identified that working out was my first domino, I started doubling down on that.
I started building in more time for movement and exercise.
I started exploring different types of movement and ways of exercising until I found what I loved, which meant that pushing myself to do it became effortless.
(In fact, once I discovered Jui Jitsu, it became the complete opposite - I have to motivate myself to NOT do it… like when I f*cked my knee - but that’s another story)
3. Build New Systems:
Now you know exactly what you’re doubling down on, it’s time to rearrange your life to prioritise that thing and do it.
No excuses.
Just like building any new habit, it’s going to take a certain amount of repetition to move it from something you have to push yourself to do, to something that’s just part of your routine.
“Your habits are often a byproduct of friction and convenience. Humans are wired to seek the path of least resistance, which means the most convenient option is often the winning option. Make good choices more convenient and bad choices less so.” James Clear (Atomic Habits)
The more perceived obstacles there are to the new habit or behaviour, the easier it will be for your brain to talk you out of following through.
What can you do to streamline this new behaviour?
What can you do to minimise the resistance to doing it?
What are the major perceived obstacles that could stop you from following through?
What micro-habits can be developed to help support you priorise this behaviour?
For me, that meant things like making sure my workout clothes were laid out ready for me to jump straight into them first thing in the morning.
Making sure my Gi was clean and ready for me to head to training at 6pm.
Telling my friends and family that my training is my main focus, so any weeknight social events were out.
I had to eliminate anything that made it easy for my brain to tell me it was ‘too hard’ or ‘too much effort’.
In this day and age of instant gratification and the myth of the 'overnight success' things like focus and self-discipline have become incredibly rare skills.
But for us to really create the life we dream of, where we have complete autonomy over our time and location, we need to hone these skills or we run the risk of sacrificing our potential to live a life of mediocrity.
You are capable of SO MUCH MORE than you know.
Don't let it go to waste.
Do the work.
Get your reps in.
Take control of yourself so you can find out what you're really capable of.
Your future is in your hands.
- Monty
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