As a mom with an estranged adult child, you may find yourself constantly questioning, How in the world do I ever trust my child again? Trust is one of the most difficult things to rebuild, especially after repeated pain, disappointment, and hurt. But what if I told you that trust isn’t something that happens overnight? It’s a process, and understanding the nuances of trust, forgiveness, and unconditional love can help you navigate this challenging journey.

Here are four key points to help you understand these concepts and how they relate to healing your relationship with your adult child.

1. Trust Is a Process, Not an Instant Fix

Trust is earned over time, especially in situations where there has been deep hurt. As much as you want to trust your child again—because they are your son or daughter—trust requires consistent, positive actions over time. It’s not something that happens in one conversation or one moment.

Rebuilding trust means observing how your child behaves and whether their actions align with their words. It’s important to set clear expectations about respect, boundaries, and commitment. As you take steps to rebuild, remember that trust is a two-way street. It’s not just about you earning their trust; they need to see your actions and trust you again, too. This can take time, and both of you need to be patient as you work through this.

2. Let Go of Self-Blame

As a mom, it’s natural to wonder if there was something you could have done differently to prevent the estrangement. Many of us carry the burden of mom guilt—the "what ifs" that weigh us down. But it’s essential to let go of self-blame. Each person, including you and your child, is responsible for their own actions.

Self-forgiveness is key to healing. By forgiving yourself, you free yourself from the past and the regrets that prevent you from moving forward. It doesn’t mean you ignore what happened; it means you accept that you and your child are both on a path of growth. This self-forgiveness enables you to model healthy boundaries, respect, and resilience to your child and sets a stronger foundation for your future relationship.

3. Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

One of the most common questions I get from moms is, How can I forgive my child but not forget what they did? The truth is, forgiveness is about releasing resentment and anger, not about erasing the past. Holding onto anger only hurts you, not your child. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone harmful behavior; it means that you choose peace over bitterness.

You can still be cautious about how much you trust and how deeply you trust, but forgiveness allows you to heal emotionally. It’s important to remember that forgiveness is an ongoing process. Sometimes, you may feel like you've forgiven, only to find that old wounds resurface. That’s okay. Be gentle with yourself and know that it’s part of the healing journey.

4. Unconditional Love: Holding Space with Compassion

Despite the hurt, your love for your child doesn’t disappear. You may not like them right now, but deep down, you still love them. Unconditional love doesn’t mean accepting toxic or harmful behavior, but it means choosing to hold space for your child with compassion.

This love can be your anchor, helping you maintain hope for better days. It’s crucial to root yourself in self-love and compassion first, because this enables you to approach your relationship with an open heart. Boundaries are still important, and at times, taking a step back may be necessary for your own well-being. But when the relationship feels safer, love will help guide you toward reconciliation.

The Journey of Healing: It’s Not About the Destination

Healing your relationship with your estranged child isn’t about rushing toward a specific destination. You might wish for reconciliation, but the journey itself—full of trust, forgiveness, and love—is just as important. Sometimes, this process takes weeks, months, or even years. Every family is different, and both you and your child need to make choices on your path.

What’s most important is finding peace in the process. Trust may grow slower than forgiveness or love, but it will grow if you allow it to. Keep rooting yourself in love—self-love and love for your child—and you will have the strength to move forward.

As you navigate this difficult journey, know that you are not alone. Every step you take is a step toward healing—not just for you, but for your family as well.

Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to seek support. If you’re ready to take that next step and get the support you need, I invite you to book a discovery call. Together, we can focus on your unique situation and work toward finding peace and healing in your relationship with your child.

You’ve got this.