Emma Macreadie shares her experience of postnatal depression, anxiety and PTSD
13th August 2019
Can you tell us a little bit about you and your family? Where you're from, where you live and your journey to becoming a mum?
I am originally from Tasmania and moved to Melbourne ten years ago. We live in the Eastern Suburbs of Melbourne but have bought a house near the beach and are moving in the next few weeks which is really exciting. I cant wait to spend our summer days down at the beach with our son. My partner Troy is incredibly hard working and has saved all his working life, and we are so proud and lucky to have been able to purchase our own home – the next step in our life together.
My journey to becoming a mum was an easy one (well the conception part was!). We always knew we wanted kids but there was no rush for this to happen. We actually fell pregnant without even trying - our baby was a total surprise (but a good one) and we were totally overwhelmed in all the good ways and bad ways when we found out. I thought pregnancy always seemed like a walk in the park but mine was the complete opposite.
I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) when I was seven weeks pregnant, a debilitating condition that is incredibly rare and only occurs in about 1% of pregnancy. HG is constant nausea and vomiting, continual dehydration and weight loss - it is very straining on you mentally and physically. In the early stages, I was vomiting around twenty times a day and by my first hospital admission, I had lost about 5kg and was unable to keep anything down.
After being diagnosed, my pregnancy just got worse. I was vomiting up to fifty times a day, every day. I couldn’t get out of bed, work or shower for weeks at a time. I couldn't talk on the phone, see anyone or keep anything down and every time I wanted to lift my head I would be straight back over the toilet bowl. This went on for the entirety of my pregnancy – from start to finish.
I was so isolated, exhausted and emotionally drained that I wanted it all to end. I was one tap of the finger away from calling a womens' health clinic to book a termination. I was struggling and there was nothing about my pregnancy that I enjoyed.
We found out at 33 weeks that our son had IUGR and had stopped growing. My body wasn’t giving him enough nutrients as I couldn’t keep anything down - I had lost a total of 10kg by this point.
At 37 weeks we were induced. It didn’t work and I was rushed down for an emergency c section as our son's heartbeat was dropping and wasn’t coming back up. I was still vomiting the whole time, even while I was lying on the table as they were cutting me open.
When they showed me our son over the sheet in the theatre, I felt nothing. I felt so numb. I only had tears of joy, but the tears of joy weren’t because we had created this beautiful life. It was because I knew this horrific journey was finally over and I was thanking god for that.
We think you are amazing for raising awareness of postnatal depression, anxiety and PTSD. Can you share your story with our readers?
In the hospital everything was a complete blur. It was like living in a bubble. There were doctors visiting every day to check on the baby, tests, visitors, first baths, lots of flowers, trying to breastfeed (which I was unable to do due to my milk not coming in) and so much more. Nobody really checked to see how I was doing. They would check my wounds and stitches and help me to walk, but that was it.
When we went home five days later, the hospital bubble we were living in slowly disintegrated and when it popped, I knew I was in big trouble. I still felt nothing. I felt no love towards my baby and I didn’t want anything to do with him. I didn’t want to look at him, touch him, kiss him, feed him, cuddle him, play with him. Nothing. My partner had to do everything. I was a mess. I was crying all the time, I could never smile and I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. I went through anorexia and bulimia when I was twenty but aside from that I had never experienced mental health issues so I didn’t know what this was but I knew it wasn’t right.
This went on for about a week and a half until I had my first anxiety attack in our kitchen. I couldn’t breathe, my hands were shaking, my eyes darting everywhere and before I knew it I was bringing the recycling bin inside and throwing every single baby item in there. I didn’t want to see any of it. This is when we realised and accepted that I needed some help.
We ended up seeing a hospital psych triage team and two days later I was admitted to a mother baby unit where I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, anxiety and PTSD (from having hyperemesis). We spent seven weeks there and it was without a doubt the hardest seven weeks of my life. I refused to eat (my eating disorders came back again) and I lost another 7kg. The nurses had to do everything for my son for the first two weeks - I couldn’t even feed him a bottle without crying. I just had no bond with him, which when I think about it makes total sense considering the pregnancy I had and how hard it was to enjoy this beautiful baby growing inside of me.
Then slowly, with the help of psychologists, psychiatrists, nurses, case managers and a whole army of help, I learnt to love my son. I slowly built up the courage and confidence to feed him a bottle. Laying on the ground to play with him for more than two minutes was HUGE progress for me.
By the end of seven weeks we were a team. I felt like we were an unstoppable team. We had been through hell together and we made it through the other side. I was so in love and obsessed, and I genuinely felt happiness. When we left I was obviously still incredibly fragile and not long after my son fell into a pattern of not sleeping in the day. He decided to stop all day naps and I fell into heap, again. We ended up in our second perinatal psych ward admission for another seven weeks, and my life was ultimately saved for a second time.
We were in for different reasons this time - my son got help and managed to sleep really well within the first few days but I was struggling a lot more than I realised. I was suffering from extreme guilt over how I felt about Kyan when he was born. I was depressed over missing his newborn days and every time something went wrong or I couldn’t get him to sleep, I would spin out of control because I wanted everything to be perfect for this beautiful baby that I once didn’t even want. I love him so so much and it killed me (and it still does to this day) that I could have ever felt that way about him so I worked really hard to process those feelings and find ways to manage them.
Tell us about ELM Self Soothe Boxes...
In my second admission we learnt about self care. We learnt about how important it is to look after yourself as a mum and to be able to find a moment in the day where we can do something for you - whether it is having a cup of tea, shopping, reading a book, gardening or taking a bath.
We prioritise so many things in our days – groceries, feeding the baby, paying bills. They’re all tasks we need to do, so why shouldn’t self care be one of them? That’s where I came up with the idea for my project. I wanted to do something for mums who are experiencing what I did or who are going through a rough time in their motherhood journey. So I set up a Go Fund Me page and began fundraising to make this dream come alive.
ELM Self Soothe Boxes are filled with goodies to provide mums some ‘time out’ - some time to themselves to do something for them. They are customised depending on what the particular individual enjoys doing for self care such as reading, cooking, gardening, taking a bath, pampering themselves, doing crafts, drinking tea or eating delectable foods. I don’t charge for these boxes, they are donated to mums going through a rough time. I am sent messages from women who know someone doing it tough and are hoping a box might make them feel a little better. I also donate quarterly to the perinatal ward in the hospital where we were admitted the second time. I go in every three months and donate to the mums and share my story - hopefully providing some hope and love for them moving forward.
What advice would you give to mumma's who are experiencing feelings similar to what you have described?
Check in with yourself mentally. If you are feeling those things, talk to someone. I am in the process of my next goal with my project - speaking to hospitals and antenatal classes about having a focus on mental health before and after baby. I believe mums should fill out a form on day two or three post-birth with questions about how they are feeling. This will give professionals an insight into the thoughts of these brand new mums so that they can notice any signs. They will be able to start the conversation and put mums in touch with appropriate supports from the get go. No one checked in with me after I gave birth - the focus is on the baby but the mother is often forgotten about. Nobody mentioned anything in my antenatal class about how you might feel afterwards and I wish they did. It could have helped me identify the signs earlier.
So my advice is to recognise how you are feeling and speak up, even to your partner or maternal health nurse. And also, have a cup of tea! Rest your mind for a minute. Hormones are crazy at the start so if you can unwind your mind even just for a minute, it could be so beneficial for you in the long run.
What is the best thing about being Kyan's mum?
The best thing is knowing that he’s mine, like all mine. I am so obsessed with this toddler and couldn’t imagine my life any differently. He gives the best kisses and will always say goodnight with a loud ‘bye,’ a kiss and a cuddle - I think that is so special.
What is the biggest lesson motherhood has taught you?
To look after yourself. To let yourself be a priority. It's ok to do that without feeling guilty.
Can you talk us through a typical day in the life of you and your family?
I work four days a week as a diversional therapist in a nursing home memory support unit. When I have my days off we are usually awake around 6.30am for cuddles and watching ‘ge’ (what Kyan calls the TV). He loves Thomas the Tank Engine so we always watch that before getting up for breakfast.
The morning is usually spent at home playing with cars, in the cubby house outside, drawing and colouring in and reading books. Nap time can last anywhere from ½ hour to 2 hours and after that we have lunch. We then spend the afternoon wearing ourselves out by catching up with friends, going to play centres or parks or going on walks. As Kyan gets older we are planning to go on more adventures! We love showing Kyan everything we possibly can.
Night time consists of dinner, another play, cuddles and a bottle before getting into the cot at around 7.30pm for what we hope is a full night sleep - we get lucky sometimes!
And lastly, finish this sentence. Motherhood is...
Full of heart explosions and heart attacks! It's all about balance right?!