The Pain Of Sexless Marriages

"If only I had found you earlier," my client told me, crying. After years of sexual and touch starvation, she was in the midst of an extremely painful, and extremely expensive lesbian divorce. Now, too late, I had helped her understand some of the real issues.  

Would she and her wife have had a different outcome if they had been able to work with me? I can't say for sure, but I do know that understanding the problem is the first step in solving it -- and with sex, that step is hard to come by. 

I Went Through It, Too

My own marriage was happy in many ways, but sex was our weak link. For years I thought it would get better. We loved each other, talked about it, tried to work on it. I found a queer sex coach for us, but they didn't help. Finally, after months of avoiding the conversation, my spouse told me she thought she was asexual. Later, it turned out that wasn't the case, but because we couldn't get to the real issue, we divorced.   

The Pain Of Sexual Shutdown

I had a different partner who loved my nonsexual touch, but shut down as soon as I started touching her sexually. We felt attracted to each other, but we each seemed to want something we couldn't name, and couldn't find a way to give each other. Her best sexual experience with me was the time when I felt most disconnected from her. She wondered if it was related to her childhood sexual abuse. I tried hard to get her to talk. She tried hard to talk, too. But my hurt, her shame, and our mutual frustration got bigger than we could handle. 

The Pain of Fear and Shame

Another girlfriend and I were madly in love, but when we actually got naked, her favorite sexual activity didn't do much for me. I tried to talk to her about it, but it didn't go well. She was scared it meant there was something wrong with her. I was terrified of losing her. I tried to ask for other things I wanted, but those conversations didn't go well, either. I felt quiet despair, and I'm pretty sure she felt confused, scared and ashamed. I was willing to settle for what we had, but she felt something "off," even though she wasn't sure what it was. Over time, the lack of openness ate away at our connection, and we did lose each other. 

I'm proud to say that the Academy's sex classes (listed below) offer information you literally can't find elsewhere, especially for lesbians and queer women. Each class covers material it took me years to learn, from multiple resources. It's information most lesbians and queer people, including most sex therapists and coaches, just don't have. 

But I spoke recently with a woman whose 32-year lesbian marriage had just ended, in large part over sex. "We took one of your classes," she told me wearily. "It didn't help."

I wasn't surprised. Sex is complicated and vulnerable. Many of us have been harmed by shame, homophobia and trauma. So, while classes can help you better understand yourself, you're not likely to be able to understand and overcome the pain of sexual mismatch without personal help. 

Honestly, if you can swing it, you need both coaching and classes. That's why my 10-hour coaching packages also come with Supporting Academy Membership, which gives you a full year of access to the best lesbian relationship classes and sex classes anywhere in the world.  

Maybe your gut says Yes. In that case, I hope you'll sign up!

Maybe your gut says No, in which case I'd recommend you check out the many coaches available through the Somatica Institute.

If you know you want help, but don't know if I'm your coach, watch the free class below to get more sense of me and my approach. 

Oh, and you can also read my professional bio on this page.