As a mom navigating the painful reality of estrangement, it’s common to find yourself stuck in an endless cycle of what ifs and if onlys. The constant replaying of past moments, second-guessing decisions, and wondering how things could have been different can weigh heavily on your heart. But I want you to know that these thoughts—though understandable—are holding you back from healing. In this post, we’ll explore how to break free from the grip of regret and start embracing self-compassion, acceptance, and the possibility of peace in your journey of estrangement.

1. The Weight of Regret: A Heavy Burden

We all have moments where we replay interactions and think, "If only I had done this differently." Maybe you think that if you had pushed less on certain issues, your relationship with your adult child would be different. But here’s the truth: you did the best you could at the time.

Hindsight bias can make us believe we should have known better, but it’s important to recognize that at that moment, you were acting out of love and concern for your child. Whether it was a year ago or a decade ago, you made the decision based on what you knew then—not what you know now. This realization can help you release the weight of regret and focus on healing, rather than replaying the past.

2. Why We Cling to "What If" Thinking

You might find yourself wondering, "What if I had reacted differently that day? Would things have been different?" It’s a natural desire to pinpoint the exact moment when things went wrong, as if identifying it will allow you to fix it. But the reality is, many of the situations you regret were beyond your control.

Take a week to write down all of your “what if” and “if only” thoughts. When you review them, reflect on how many of those situations were out of your hands. This exercise can help you gain perspective, seeing that not everything is in your control—and that’s okay.

3. How Regret Holds You Back

If you constantly find yourself thinking, "What if I had listened more when they were teenagers?" these thoughts can prevent you from accepting the current reality of your relationship. Holding on to past mistakes can keep you stuck in guilt, making it difficult to move forward.

Whenever those regretful thoughts creep in, ask yourself, "How is this serving me right now?" If the answer is that it’s not helping you, shift your focus. Go for a walk, breathe deeply, or do something simple to ground yourself in the present. The more you practice staying in the moment, the easier it will become to move forward on your healing journey.

4. The Power of Acceptance

Acceptance is key to healing. Accepting the current state of your relationship—no matter how painful—allows you to focus on the present and what you can do moving forward. Rather than getting stuck in past arguments or future worries, embrace where you are right now.

Remind yourself: You are worthy of love and forgiveness, even with past mistakes. Speak these affirmations out loud if you need to. Shift your mindset from regret to self-compassion, acknowledging that you are doing the best you can with what you have.

5. Letting Go of "What If" Thinking

If only I had reached out sooner. If only I had said something differently. But how do you know that any of those actions would have changed the outcome?

It’s easy to make assumptions, but the truth is, you can’t know for sure. Write down your “what if” thoughts and next to them, jot down reasons why the situation was out of your control or how things might not have turned out differently, no matter what you did. This can help you develop a balanced perspective and let go of the need to fix the past.

6. Forgiving Yourself: A Vital Step

We all make imperfect choices. You are human, and that means you’re not going to get everything right, whether as a mom, a friend, or in any other role. If you feel guilty for not being the perfect parent, for not offering financial support, or for making mistakes, it’s time to forgive yourself.

Consider writing a letter to yourself, offering forgiveness and understanding. Recognize that you were doing the best you could with the resources you had at the time. Accepting your imperfection and giving yourself grace is a vital part of the healing process.

7. A Gradual Process: Small Steps to Healing

Letting go of regrets and "what ifs" isn’t an overnight change—it’s a gradual process. But every small step you take toward acceptance and self-compassion is a victory. As you walk through this healing journey, remember that you are not alone, and each step you take is progress.

The pain of estrangement is real, but so is the possibility for healing. By shifting your focus from regrets to self-compassion, you can begin to move forward in your relationship with your adult child and with yourself.

You are worthy of peace, and every small step you take towards healing is a step towards freedom.