There I was, sitting in a domestic violence shelter,

with a clipboard in my lap.

I was filling out a form asking me to “Check off all that is applicable to yourself or your children within the last 48 hours.”

I was shocked to resonate with the list of traumas as I began to check off EVERY box except surviving an attempted homicide.

You see, I was not there because of what I was going through. I was there to support someone else that was going through her own domestic violence situation, not even realizing that I might need some kind of support myself.

I had been in survival mode for so long, I had no idea my own reality was that severe. It had become the norm.

After handing the form back to the receptionist, I was immediately ushered into a small room down the hall to see a counselor. I quickly told her I wasn’t the one that needed help, I was only there to support someone else. She then informed me she had only seen a form like that once in her career and asked me to tell her more.

I very calmly shared with her what my reality had been since I was 20 years old. Every now and then I would laugh (PTSD) because some of the events I shared were like scenes out of a crazy movie.

She asked me to share my current life after leaving the abusive relationship to feel out how I was handling the most recent events. I explained that what was going on was nothing new and we were doing ok since this behavior had been going on for years. I expressed appreciation for her support but that it would best be used to serve others in worse circumstances.

I have a gift of convincing people I’m not the one that needs saving. I can thank my Japanese grandmother for that one. Never show weakness or vulnerability. Only show strength and stability. By the time I was finished, the counselor’s entire energy shifted from concern to peace of mind.

She said “You appear to be handling everything extremely well. I don’t think you need therapy at this moment. You would, however, be what we consider a success story. Would you speak to the women in our support group and share how you’ve been able to heal, be in a healthy relationship and live such a joyful life?”

My throat closed up. I hurried to wrap up our conversation and told her I would get back to her. I left and never came back. Whew. . . I had fooled her.

I had never gone to therapy of any kind. Why would I? I was successful in life. I was living what most dream to have. A stable relationship, 2 kids, a couple of dogs, a house and a career.

What she didn’t know was that it was the first time I had shared details about the domestic violence I experienced in my first marriage. Definitely never spoke about the dark details before. Not even with my husband.

My joyful, successful life was far from perfect.

I was a heart-centered high achiever but had little success connecting in an intimate soul way with my partner in life. I was a social butterfly, holding large gatherings in my home while my relationship with my teenage daughter was nonexistent when she needed a mother the most. And I was going to work every day as a miserable martyr believing in someone else’s vision more than they did.

I took what the therapist said seriously though. The thought of helping even ONE person heal even a little bit made my heart flutter. On the surface, I was excited and would practice sharing my story. But honestly, I was scared shitless.

I couldn’t get through it without completely breaking down. I had locked up those memories, those emotions DEEP down and had tossed away the key. Now that I was connecting to them, the flood gates had opened. I felt like an imposter.

How could I possibly inspire survivors of abuse when I couldn’t even talk about the topic, let alone share my story?! It was time to do my own work. It was time to heal.

This is when The Spiral came into my life. Spiral is an emotional clearing modality that was created to release deep conditioning providing immediate results and rapid transformation.

It was introduced to me by a mentor I was working with transitioning into the next phase of life now that the kids were growing up. I went through The Spiral with the intention of discovering my life’s work.

What was revealed was completely unexpected! The conditioning from the abusive experiences were rooted so deep that I disconnected from my authentic self. My mental body was in denial overdrive, which was why I was able to fool so many people, including myself!

My nervous system had been in fight, flight, freeze mode for so long that I disconnected from my body to keep my sanity and my soul to keep me safe.

As I showed up to each session, clearing away the imprints of the unconscious conditioning, I began to REMEMBER. Connecting to who I was before, I was told I couldn’t be all the things that made me, ME.

I began to remember I enjoyed dancing on the dance floor even if I was the only one dancing. I began to remember my funky feminine style with a sexy flair. I began to remember how much I enjoyed all the things that made me laugh, made me too much, and made my heart sing!

The more I connected to who I was before the trauma, the more freedom I felt to be ME! Over the next year I reconnected to my dreams, my desires, all the things that lit me up!

Let’s fast forward a few intense years of rapid expansive growth as I was reintroduced to the divinity that lies within me.

Now I feel a connection and love for my partner I have never experienced with another. He is one of the most kind humans I have ever met and he loves me simply for being ME.

I have a relationship with my daughter that is priceless. She is a beautiful inspiration each and every day.

I am doing my life’s work as a Spiral practitioner connecting visionary leaders from around the globe to their true authentic self, unweaving conditioning from their past, empowering their ability to fully step into their gifts, impacting the world to be a better place.

I am no longer an imposter. I live an authentic, soul-aligned life with integrity that I design and I create. My flame is no longer suffocated by the shame, guilt, and trauma of the past. It is now fueled by it.

What began as a journey to discover purpose and supporting others in overcoming their traumas has had a side effect. That is, a love for self I never knew existed. I can’t wait to share more about the magic of self acceptance!

But for now, I’ll close with I am here to break the cycle of ancestral and generational domestic abuse. To support those who desire to say yes to their soul and conscious leaders make their visions a reality.

This is my drop to create the ripple.

I am ready, willing, and able to create a tsunami of change.