Is my baby hungry or tired?
Don’t make the same mistake I did as new mum.
I wanted to be the very best parent to my child that I could be. I wanted to make sure all of her needs were met and I’d had it drummed into me that any crying could be damaging, so every time she woke in the night and let out a whimper, I immediately fed her. Even if it meant feeding every 30 minutes.
After months of doing this, I had taught her that even if she wasn’t hungry, she needed milk to go back to sleep whenever she roused (which was very often!) It was completely unmanageable and I was utterly exhausted, barely managing to make it through the day.
This was all because I didn’t recognise the difference between hunger signs and tired signs.
Babies do need to feed when they are hungry, but many will take a feed if it’s offered even when they’re not hungry because it brings them comfort. I know for a fact, if I woke my 5 year old up in the night and offered her a milkshake, she would drink it, but does that mean she's hungry? Certainly not.
Of course, if you are happy feeding every time your child wakes and it’s working for you then there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re struggling with sleep, your baby is over 4 months old and is waking to feed every hour or two, leaving you absolutely exhausted … then there's a problem and it’s likely you’re mistaking tiredness for hunger too.
Feeding on demand
Establishing feeding is the most important thing when your baby is born, which means feeds can be very frequent. Your newborn baby will be growing at a crazy rate and will need those calories and cluster feeds. If you're breastfeeding, frequent feeding will also help to increase milk supply too. However, if you’re past the newborn stage and your baby is waking very frequently for night feeds, it’s time to consider whether they may have formed a milk association.
It’s also a good idea to think about whether they are truly hungry every time you offer them a feed. It can be a vicious cycle once you’re in it!
Is it hunger or tiredness?
If your baby is fussing but when you offer milk they don’t drink very much and fall asleep almost instantly, this suggests they are using milk to assist them to sleep. If they suckle rather than take full gulps it's also a big clue that they're using milk for comfort. You may even find your baby feeds for just a few seconds and falls asleep.
So, is there anything wrong with this?
Not if you don’t mind surviving on broken sleep.
But if you want long stretches of night sleep or even a full night’s sleep, it’s unlikely things are just going to suddenly improve overnight. The key is looking at your baby’s overall feeding pattern; a baby who feeds at reasonably regular intervals during the day and takes full feeds, rather than frequent ‘snacking’ is going to sleep much better at night.
I know this because I see it with many of the families I work with. I have worked with 2 and 3 years old who still need milk to go to sleep, or at least to help them relax before bedtime, which isn’t an issue until they wake multiple times in the night and need a milk too. They associate the milk with relaxing and going back to sleep.
Can sleep be taught?
You may have heard that you can’t ‘teach’ sleep – and it’s true to an extent. Sleep is a natural bodily function. If you tried to stay awake forever it would be impossible. But it wouldn’t be good quality sleep because when you become overtired your body produces a stress hormone called cortisol. Cortisol makes it more difficult for us to fall asleep, stay asleep and have restful, deep, quality sleep.
What we can teach our children is how to fall asleep without us doing it for them.
Think about this… your bed is your comfort zone. You can probably fall asleep there pretty easily and sleep all night. But what happens when you sleep somewhere else, in hotel with a different pillow, or on an airbed? It’s harder, isn’t it? It feels different and you will likely toss and turn, trying to get to sleep. You might even start to feel a bit frustrated, but you would fall asleep eventually.
This is what happens with our little ones when we sleep train. If you’re still reading then it’s likely you know your baby has a milk association and you want things to change because it’s difficult to sustain. When we sleep train, we teach our little ones to fall asleep independently, with our help and support at first, but then without assistance, so that they can put themselves back to sleep if they rouse in the night.
Self Settling
An independent sleeper can self settle; that means they can go from completely awake (not drowsy) to asleep without assistance. They might use a comforter to help them sleep or suck on their thumb, they might rub parts of their body on the mattress or even make a moany noise. If your child can truly self settle it means they can do it without any help from you so that when they wake in the night, which everybody does, they can put themselves back to sleep – they don’t need you to give them milk, pat them, rock them or put a dummy back in their mouth.
This is why it’s important to know whether your baby is truly hungry, or just tired, because it goes without saying that we would never want to withhold a feed from a hungry baby. We also do not want to plough food into a baby who doesn’t really need it at night because not only will they form a milk association but it can affect their daytime intake of food. If their body is always used to having more calories at night, it can be very difficult to establish daytime solids, which is where your child should be getting most of their nutrients.
How do I know the difference between hunger and tiredness?
Firstly, you need to identify whether your baby is caught up in a snacking cycle. Do they take very regular short feeds both day and night? If so, the answer is yes. To break the cycle it is a good idea to start planning in more scheduled feeds. At 4 months, most babies can manage 3 hours between feeds, by 5 months most can manage around 4 hours. By intentionally feeding at regular intervals you’ll find your baby starts to take longer feeds so that their tummy is completely full each time. You are not giving them less calories, but consolidating many small feeds into fewer big ones.
Once you get into this pattern you will know you can rule out hunger as a reason for them waking at night and can reassure them back to sleep without feeding. For example, if you fed your baby at 8pm and then they woke at 9:30pm you can confidently reassure yourself ‘I only fed them an hour and a half ago, so I know they’re not hungry’ – you can then look at the root cause of why they have woken, which could simply be because they have stirred from a sleep cycle and need some assistance to go back to sleep.
Feeding in this way, once your baby is past the newborn stage and is putting on weight well, really helps you to tune into your child's true needs.
Finally... great sleep!
Helping your child maximise daytime calories and working on independent sleep skills will hugely help with their sleep. If you need support with this and would like a bespoke plan and a sleep expert to guide you step by step through the process then click here and book a free 30-minute Discovery Call.
Alternatively, if you want to reduce or eliminate night feeds then my Night Weaning Workshop would be perfect for you. Click here to find out more.
You don’t need to do this alone. It is possible to make changes in a loving, gentle way so that your whole family gets a great night’s sleep.
I’ll look forward to speaking to you soon.
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