Estrangement from your adult child can leave you feeling lost, heartbroken, and wondering where things went wrong. Many mothers find themselves replaying every conversation, every moment, trying to figure out the catalyst for their child’s decision to walk away. You are not alone in this painful journey, and I want to offer some insights into the real reasons behind estrangement, and how you can find peace and clarity even in the midst of this heartache.

In this post, I’ll dive into four reasons why estrangement happens, and share some valuable tips for how to approach these situations with grace, self-reflection, and an open heart.

1. Unresolved Past Conflict

Estrangement often stems from unresolved conflicts—whether they are clear disagreements or misunderstandings that have been left to fester over time. Perhaps you’ve had an argument, or a broken promise, or maybe there’s an emotional wound from the past that hasn’t been addressed. Regardless of the specifics, these unhealed wounds can create a sense of disconnection that deepens as time goes on.

As mothers, we often have expectations—both for ourselves and for our children. When these expectations go unmet, it can breed resentment and distance. For your adult child, this might manifest as a desire to pull away, because they may feel ill-equipped or unwilling to engage in difficult conversations.

Reflect on the past with curiosity and grace for yourself. What might still feel unresolved to your child? Even if reconciliation isn't possible right now, preparing yourself to address these unresolved issues, when the opportunity arises, can create space for healing down the road.

2. The Impact of Feeling Controlled

One of the toughest aspects of the parent-child dynamic is navigating the line between guiding your child and giving them the space to grow. As they mature, they may start to feel controlled or micromanaged, even if that’s not your intention. Unsolicited advice or overreaching into their adult lives can lead to feelings of disrespect or frustration, which can be a significant factor in estrangement.

As your child grows, the relationship needs to shift from a parent-child model to more of an adult-to-adult dynamic. But this transition can be difficult, and if not managed well, it can cause them to retreat.

Examine your own actions and consider whether there are areas where you might be overstepping. Focus on fostering mutual respect. Acknowledge their need for independence and trust that they can make decisions for themselves. This shift can help rebuild the connection and create more space for understanding.

3. Changing Values

As your child becomes an adult, they begin to establish their own identity—one that may look very different from the values you’ve instilled in them. This can be especially true when it comes to lifestyle choices, cultural differences, or even spiritual beliefs. Your child’s journey toward independence may lead them to make decisions you don’t agree with, and that can create a rift in your relationship.

Whether it’s a shift in their faith, a rejection of certain traditions, or a different approach to life, their desire to separate themselves from your values may feel like a personal attack. But in reality, it’s a sign that they’re trying to define who they are as an individual.

Try to view these differences through the lens of growth, rather than as a form of rejection. Reframing boundaries as opportunities for growth can help you find peace in your relationship, even when you don’t see eye to eye. It’s also important to allow them space to grow without judgment, and trust that their choices don’t diminish your worth as a mother.

4. Their Own Personal Struggles

This one might surprise you, but estrangement isn’t always about the parent-child relationship—it can often be about your adult child’s personal struggles. Whether it’s mental health challenges, addiction, or difficulties managing stress, these internal battles can make it hard for them to engage in a healthy relationship with you.

Sometimes, your child may not be equipped to handle emotional conversations or might distance themselves because they are dealing with emotional pain or past trauma—whether real or perceived. The strain of their personal struggles can manifest as a desire to escape from the relationship entirely.

If your child is dealing with personal challenges, it’s important to show compassion, even when it feels difficult. Understand that their need for distance may have more to do with their own emotional state than with anything you’ve done. Approach the situation without defensiveness, and try to keep the lines of communication open. Time may reveal the reasons behind their actions, and there may come a point where healing becomes possible.

If you're navigating estrangement with your adult child, I want you to know that you are not alone. These four factors—unresolved conflict, feeling controlled, changing values, and personal struggles—are common reasons behind estrangement. But the good news is, there are steps you can take to begin the healing process, both for yourself and for your relationship.

Remember to take care of yourself in this journey, and be patient with the process. If you find yourself needing more support, coaching can be a powerful tool to help you find clarity, peace, and the strength to move forward.

You are a good mom, and while estrangement can be painful, it's important to hold onto the belief that healing is possible, and that you deserve to find peace and clarity in this season of your life.