Severe Sleep Deprivation put me in a Psychiatric Hospital after Giving Birth during COVID-19
By: Candice Pauley
Warning: This post shares a mother's journey with postpartum psychosis and could be triggering for some readers.
I had always been a good sleeper. Thank God! I can watch some TV, wind down in bed while checking my phone and when I am tired, roll over into my favorite sleep position and fall asleep AND stay asleep. I normally get 7-8 hours prior to pregnancy. I have always cherished my sleep. However that all changed in June 2020 after I gave birth to my first son.
A little bit of history about me…I am a 31 year old new mom and full time social worker. My husband and I have been married almost 3 years and I sleep hard and well, he snores and is a light sleeper. He has always envied how easily I can fall asleep and stay asleep.
I was diagnosed with anxiety in my teenage years and sleep doesn’t come easy for the anxious. When I am anxious, my heart races, my mind spins and I have a very uncomfortable pain in my stomach and neck. Modern medicine always did the trick. However, years of abusing Clonopin, Xanax and Ativan while consuming excessive amounts of alcohol didn’t turn out well. I have a lot of trauma from black out drinking starting at the age of 13, interestingly enough the same time I started being treated for anxiety. I am now sober by the Grace of God and learning a lot about myself through AA.
I am a huge mental health advocate and as any person who has mental health issues and works in mental health will tell you, sleep is the foundation for everything! I also love to nap. I can feel a good nap coming on and nap for anywhere from 1-2 hours.
Ok, so now that you know a little bit about me…I can dive deeper into the most traumatizing and happiest time of my life. The birth of my son. He is and will always be my greatest joy. However on July 10, 2020 I had a break from reality. I was severely sleep deprieved which led to a psychiatric break. I become delusional and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital with a newborn at home. I was broken.
It is difficult to describe the days leading up to and after my son was born.
I had always heard that you don’t sleep with a new born so I thought that my lack of sleep was normal. However, it was far from. People always say “nap when the baby naps”. I wanted to drop kick the next person who told me that.
I had become so obsessive with taking care of my newborn, and specifically breastfeeding around the clock.
Breastfeeding was my biggest goal and fear. I had all the equipment, knowledge and support and my mental health couldn’t take it. The wild part is, I was great at it! He latched amazing, gained weight perfectly, and adjusting accordingly to the schedule… (I thought). The big problem was my restlessness. I could not sleep. I would feed him and when it was time to sleep between feedings, I couldn’t rest.
Don’t get me wrong, I tried. I had help with the baby from family, I had support and the comfort of my home. But every time I would lay my head down, my anxiety had a different plan. This was in the height of COVID, so the goal was to stay out of the emergency room. We had just got home from the hospital where I had an emergency C-section so I was healing from that.
I knew something wasn’t right with how I felt. I couldn’t take any medication or caffeine because I was breastfeeding. I had just started Zoloft the day I was discharged with the baby because I had been having baby blues and severe worry about how I was going to take care of a newborn during a pandemic.
The days passed and I would try to sleep after every feeding. Oh I forgot to mention, due to my anxiety causing knots in my stomach, I had no appetite. I was guzzling water only and I lost 30 pounds in those 10 days. I would try my best to sleep. I would take melatonin, put on a sound machine, no cell phone, lavender on my pillow and the perfect temperature in the bedroom. NOTHING worked.
I felt like I was being tortured. I also felt like a huge failure because I had so much pressure from my family to sleep and I had the best support to allow me to. My family was doing my laundry, dishes and food was being dropped off. Everyone kept telling me, “you have nothing to worry about, why are you so anxious? You should relax and sleep as long as possible.”
I recall the hours and hours of tossing and turning as pure torture. Especially because everyone else in the house was sleeping and I would tip toe out to the living room to see the baby sleeping and get in trouble from my family who were there so I could try to sleep. Looking back, I wish I had the baby in bed with me, skin to skin and just feeding and sleeping together.
My family all knew something was wrong with me because I would “fall asleep” for about 15-30 min tops and wake up so confused and paranoid. But they didn’t know what to do and we were all afraid to leave the house because of COVID. We figured I would eventually sleep for a few hours at a time.
I would continue this for several days. I had restricted family from coming over because of COVID and eventually they came and I was a nervous wreck while they were in my home. I refused to watch TV or check my phone because of the anxiety of COVID on the news and the riots that were happening over the summer.
My husband noticed my paranoia first and googled the symptoms of sleep deprivation and postpartum psychosis. He brought it to my attention and I laughed it off. I denied being paranoid and just said that this is probably normal for first parents and not sleeping.
If I did take a micro nap, I would “wake up” and have some concern about the baby. I remember one time running to the living room to make sure they knew where the backup formula was in case I couldn’t feed him. But I couldn’t get my words out. I would then be shuffled back to bed where I would lay, with my mind spinning. At one point I recall thinking my baby was going to be taken from me because I couldn’t feed him well enough and it would be similar to the handmaid’s tale.
On July 10th at around 7:00 in the evening, I “woke up” from a micro nap to a full blown delusion that I had an unborn baby in my belly. The sleep deprivation had led to full blown psychosis. I was that girl you hear about on TV who was running down the street in a nursing gown.
My delusions became religious and my husband called 911. The paramedics gave me a sedative and strapped me down to a gurney. I don’t remember much after that, other than waking up in the ER, alone, and still paranoid. My first thought was I needed to pump and get milk to my 10 day old son. They wouldn’t let my husband in the ER because of COVID policies so I was sending it out to him in a bag with ice. I refused any medication that would affect breastfeeding.
I was evaluated by the ER doctor and treated for increased levels of troponin in my heart. Therefore, they sent me to the local heart hospital. I recall the transport and being strapped down again to the gurney and loaded up in the ambulance. I would continue to try to sleep at the next hospital which was impossible because they had to draw blood every hour or so.
I recall the first night at the 2nd hospital, night time was approaching, which I always dreaded. It was the weekend so I wasn’t sure when my test results would be back and how long I needed to stay. All I was worried about was being discharged to go home and feed my baby. I was also worried about becoming engorged. I recall the night shift nurse came on duty and I asked her if she read my chart to see that I had some mental health issues going on when I would try to sleep.
Long story short, I fell asleep for a micro nap and woke up to another full blown delusion. I ripped out of my IV and blocked the door shut with my body. That stunt got me a “sitter” until I could be evaluated by the lead Psychiatrist and a bed opened up at the psychiatric hospital.
So now it is July 13, my last full night of sleep was June 28. It was also already two nights away from my baby and I was being admitted to another hospital down the road which had a psychiatric unit on the 6th floor. They strapped me down to the gurney again and transported me via ambulance again. By the way, did I mention that I use to be a therapist in a psychiatric hospital?! Ironic huh?!
The first night in the psychiatric hospital was my first night of sleep. I think I slept 8 hours by the help of Ativan and Abilify. To reach this point, I had to agree to stop breastfeeding. I was devastated. The baby was home and my husband had already had to switch him to formula. I recall lying in bed, leaking breastmilk through my shirt and just numb from everything that had happened. I wanted to sleep, I needed to sleep, and knowing that only made it worse.
I managed to get 2 full nights of sleep while being a patient at the psychiatric hospital with the help of the medication.
I was far from myself but I felt “better” and I was a voluntary patient with insurance. The only reason I was voluntarily admitted was because I knew if I refused to go then they would commit me with the use of a mental hygiene petition. That was guaranteed after the stunt I pulled at the heart hospital.
I share all of this information to try and help someone else. I am an educated women, with support, financial stability, resources, and because of sleep deprivation, I had a psychotic episode. The scariest part is that I could have hurt someone or myself during that break with reality.
Sleep is the foundation for all. Like I shared in the beginning, I had always slept well! I valued sleep and I knew all the tricks of the trade. Sleep affects mental and physical well-being, yet it is my understanding that science isn’t sure why we need sleep. Other than we know what happens when we don’t get it.
Please seek help for sleep deprivation, before it gets to the point of hospitalization.
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If you would like to know more about Postnatal Psychosis please visit the NHS website. If you or a loved one are experiencing any of the symptoms of Postnatal Psychosis then please seek help from 111 or 999 immediately.
Below are my top tips for expectant parents and new mums
- Talk to your partner, family and friends if you have any concerns or feel something isn't right. Try and help them understand how you are feeling and how they can best support you.
- Accept help from others. Don't try and do everything by yourself. Being a new mum is hard and it takes time to adjust. Ask friends and family to do things such as washing, cooking and cleaning so you can spend time with your baby.
- Make time for yourself. This can be hard when you have a new baby but it could be just 10 minutes taking the time to have a warm relaxing bath. It will make all the difference.
- Rest when you can. Ask others to help look after the baby so you can have a break
- Eat regular, healthy meals; its a great idea to batch cook and freeze some before baby arrives
If you require more support related to Perinatal Mood then speak to your GP or Health Visitor. You can also get in touch with Pre and Postnatal Depression Advice Support (PANDAS). Their helpline is 0843 28 98 401 (9am - 8pm Monday to Sunday).
Best wishes
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