People use the word ‘narcissism’ a lot these days. Sometimes it’s applied to people who are full of themselves. These people are narcissistic, rather than narcissists.

After all, true narcissism is rare. Only 0.5-1% of the population has an official narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) diagnosis.

But they're just the ones who've been diagnosed. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, so some narcissists display fewer traits than others. 

Even the ‘lesser’ narcissists display similar qualities: a sense of entitlement, attention-seeking, a sense of their own self-importance, wanting to be influential (or thinking they are), exaggerating their abilities or talents, being preoccupied with power or success, exploiting others to get their own way no matter the cost, and a distinct lack of empathy.

So far, so familiar. But here's the thing. Narcissists share this collection of traits but they display them in different ways. That's why you might have seen some described as 'overt' or 'covert' narcissists.

What's the difference between covert and overt narcissism? Let's dig into it!

Overt Narcissism

Can you observe their behaviour as loud or arrogant? Then they're an overt narcissist. They’re obvious in their quest for importance and loud in their desire for admiration. If you saw one in a large group, they might work the crowd. They'd lead all conversations, and send out signals they think they’re outstanding. 

You can spot these with ease. Think of a person you know who might fit the bill. Are they loud? Do they keep fishing for compliments? Ignores what others need? There's your yardstick.

You see this kind of behaviour a lot on reality TV. The programme makers choose them because they make good television. That's even if they'd be awful to spend time with in person. 

Covert Narcissism

So if that's an overt narcissist, what's a covert narcissist? First, they have the same narcissistic tendencies. They need admiration, over-state their own importance, and exploit others.

By contrast, covert narcissists hide their behaviour. They might appear to be self-deprecating or even withdrawn. Some experts call them 'introverted' narcissists. Yet their ultimate goals are the same. 

Don’t think the covert narcissist is less dangerous because they’re quieter in their approach. They’re more of a problem because they’re harder to spot.

Ultimately, whether a narcissist is overt or covert doesn't matter. They're both narcissists, unable to meet the needs of others. Yet a covert narcissist can often manipulate people for longer. Their victims don't realise what's happening.

What Signs Give Away A Covert Narcissist?

A Sense of Ego

The overt narcissist will outright tell you how amazing they are. I knew a guy years ago who insisted he was the best at everything he did. To him, no one could approach his intellect or his prowess with women. He even boasted about how good a manipulator he was. The overt narcissist will tell you that you should admire them.

A covert narcissist would never make such an obvious display. Instead, look out for back-handed compliments. They may also put themselves or their achievements down so others will reassure them. True, lots of British people can be self-deprecating. The national character tends towards that kind of humour. But there's a difference between a joke and an attempt to fish for praise. 

Watch out for a hypersensitivity to criticism. The narcissist already has a warped sense of self. They can blow any perceived knocks to their self-esteem out of proportion.

Using Shame As A Weapon

All narcissists will put others beneath them using shame. Overt narcissists might criticise you, put you down, or dismiss you completely. The goal is to make you feel ashamed that you're not up to their standards.

Covert narcissists aren't as obvious. They may go to great lengths to paint themselves as the victim while you're the one in the wrong. They might detail all the ways you're at fault while they're innocent. Coverts play the victim and push you to give them reassurance they don't deserve.

When they're not doing that, they can make you doubt yourself or your perception of an event. If the covert narcissist can make you second-guess yourself, they've won.

Passive aggression is common with covert narcissists. They might try to pass off a nasty comment as a joke or 'banter'. Or they'll choose the silent treatment. I knew a narcissist who openly boasted about using the silent treatment. She even described it as "the only weapon I can wield". I always thought it was sad that she felt she needed to use weapons against her social circle at all.

Covert narcissists are also more likely to hold grudges. They'll wait to get revenge at the best opportunity. That might be a whisper campaign or some kind of rumour-based drama. Overt narcissists don't have the patience for this. But for covert narcissists, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Making You Feel Small or Unimportant

Overt narcissists will often disregard you if they’re not trying to manipulate you. That’s beneficial to you because it gets you out of their orbit. 

Yet covert narcissists will do anything to pull the attention back to themselves. They're experts at ignoring messages, standing people up, and even avoiding making plans. Read our guide to breadcrumbing if this sounds familiar. 

The goal is to make you feel irrelevant to the narcissist while keeping you thinking about them.

You won't get compliments from a covert narcissist unless the compliment benefits them. They need to stay above you in the social hierarchy. That means they can't acknowledge anything positive or worthwhile about others. On the rare chance they pay a compliment, they'll expect you to pay one back.

Turning Life Into a Transaction

Narcissists won't do anything unless it benefits them. Covert narcissists will only give if it makes them look better. They're incredibly fragile and need constant praise to feel better about themselves.

For example, they'll only do a favour for someone if other people are watching. The act of kindness is irrelevant - they only care about looking good, or getting praise.

They struggle to keep relationships because they’re more worried about how you see them. That’s why covert narcissists can come across as being shy or withdrawn. They’re avoiding social interactions, so no one has the chance to see the real ‘them’.

What Can You Do About a Covert Narcissist?

There will be some situations where you can't get away from the narcissist. This is often true if they're a family member or a colleague.

If this is the case, then reduce the time you have to spend with them. Keep interactions brief and neutral.

Remember not to take their behaviour personally. Nothing a narcissist does is about you. It's only about them. Yes, I know it hurts when you're on the receiving end. But trust me, it is literally not because of you. So let them take the credit for their behaviour.

By not letting it affect you, it removes the power the narcissist has over you. 

Some people recommend setting boundaries, though we've explained why that's difficult to do with a narcissist. 

Instead, try to remove them from your life as much as you can. Create distance between you and the narcissist. Work to build up your self-esteem so you don't need their approval. This also helps when you're trying not to take their behaviour personally.

Finally, learn to identify a narcissist as early as you can. Once you spot them, you can stay well away from them. How can you do this? Sign up for our Identify and Disarm a Narcissist program. You'll learn military-grade skills to see the narcissist coming and direct them elsewhere. Wouldn't you rather avoid one than have to heal from them later?