Hang around the dating world long enough and I guarantee you will run into the Law of Attraction. If you haven't run into it? In a nutshell, it runs on the idea that 'like attracts like'. In order to bring (or attract) the things you want into your life, you have to put yourself into the same energetic frequency (or vibration) as those things you want.

So if you're in a "high vibration", you'll attract awesome things. If you're in a "low vibration", you won't. In fact, you’ll attract things you don’t want.

Let's walk that through to its logical conclusion, shall we? If everything in your reality is a reflection of your thoughts, then anything negative, no matter how horrific, becomes something you brought into your life.

How damaging a concept is that? Talk about victim shaming. It’s the spiritual equivalent of asking what a woman was wearing before she was attacked. 

It’s also fundamentally wrong when it comes to narcissists. Let’s take a look at why that is, and how you can avoid them safely.

The Law of Attraction and Narcissists 

Manifestation coaches mean well, they really do. And there's a lot to like about the practices of manifestation. At its heart, they encourage you to practice self-love, which helps you set good boundaries and avoid settling for less. That should be at the core of your dating journey. Here at Love With Intelligence, our intelligent approach to dating supports you in figuring out what you do want while avoiding self-sabotage. We also support you to become the best version of yourself.

But here’s the problem with the Law of Attraction when it comes to narcissists. 

Some unfortunate person, no doubt still hurt from a traumatic or damaging relationship, discovers the Law. Part of them is excited to think there's a way they could finally have the relationship of their dreams. Yet another part of them looks back at their traumatic relationship and thinks “that was entirely my fault. I deserved that. I manifested that.”

They’ve already had their faith and confidence in themselves shaken by their experience. This flawed concept that they put something out into the world that in turn attracted a narcissist could be enough to put them off relationships for good.

It completely absolves the narcissist of any guilt. In this line of thinking, it’s not their fault for being a narcissist. It’s your fault for manifesting them into your life. Even worse, when manifestation coaches preach this, they’re gaslighting their clients. They’re telling them that the person brought the narcissist on themselves.

And that couldn’t be further from the truth.

When you encounter a narcissist, it isn't because you've manifested them. You haven't attracted them into your life because your vibration wasn't high enough. They didn’t turn up because the universe gave you what you deserved.

It's because they've targeted you.

Why People Fall Prey to Narcissists

‘Narcissist’ is a word that gets tossed around a lot. A few years ago, people might have understood it to mean a person who was excessively vain or preoccupied with themselves.

Now, we’re much more aware of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or the narcissistic traits some individuals might embody. It doesn’t just refer to people who like to be the centre of attention. Pathological narcissism is comparatively rare, affecting around 1% of the population.

But narcissists occur along a spectrum known as the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. It scores people between 0 and 40. The average score is usually in the mid-teens. But higher scores can indicate a narcissist, which happens in more than 1% of the population.

You probably know a few people who tick some of the boxes. Or you may know people with some of the traits, even if they’re not a fully-fledged narcissist. 

Elinor Greenberg PhD points out that people don't attract more narcissists. So no, it’s not the Law of Attraction that brought them into your life.  

No, your vibe was not too low. Nor did you ‘attract’ what you were putting out into the universe. We have to lay the blame at narcissists’ feet, not their victims’. 

Narcissists Can Sense Who They Should Target

Narcissists favour empathetic people who will tune into their needs and desires. Being empathetic is a wonderful attribute around your friends and co-workers, but it's like nectar to a narcissist. And because the empath just wants to help people, the narcissist takes advantage of their good nature.

Narcissists also target those with low self-esteem. While it might initially feel like they're building you up, they're only doing so to boost their own ego. It also leaves you dependent on them for your self-esteem. When they take away the reassurance, it can leave you desperate for the validation they once gave so freely.

They’re adept at showering you with attention and praise in the early days, which is called love bombing. It gives you a false reading, that this is a relationship that could go somewhere. Once they have your undivided attention, the manipulation begins. 

If you try to leave, the narcissist may switch back to their original behaviour. You feel like maybe it was in your imagination, or perhaps you could try harder. I mean, they clearly love you, otherwise, they wouldn’t try so hard to win you back...right?

Wrong. They just want to win. The only way to win their game is to refuse to play in the first place.

How Can You Avoid Narcissists?

If you believe the Law of Attraction, raising your vibration might help you to avoid narcissists. Surely living your best life is a good way to put them off? Sadly no. They like a partner who reflects well on them, so being accomplished or high-achieving also makes you an attractive target.

The only part of the Law of Attraction that can help you here is its emphasis on self-love. By building your self-esteem, you won’t need validation from others. So you’re less likely to fall into the orbit of narcissists.

Notice I say ‘less likely’. Not impossible.

To truly avoid narcissists, you need to be able to identify them. Which has nothing to do with the Law of Attraction. This is why we put such an emphasis on filtering for deceptive indicators in others. If you can effectively read non-verbal communication, you can know immediately if someone is potential partner material.

If you’ve had dealings with narcissists before, you may already know some of the red flags to look out for.

- An inability to respect your boundaries

- Accusing you of over-sensitivity if you ask them to stop uncomfortable behaviour

- A lack of empathy for the suffering of others

- Seeking an opportunity to be the centre of attention

- Displaying charisma and magnetism in public, and coldness or cruel behaviour in private

These are just a few of the danger signs. Ask yourself: how on earth could you have ever manifested that into your life? Be absolutely sure that you didn’t.

Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship

As you can see, there’s a lot to keep in mind when you’re dealing with narcissists or those with narcissistic traits. The wilful damage narcissists wreak on loving people is unforgivable. They leave people unable to trust and unsure of themselves. 

Even worse, not healing from a narcissistic relationship leaves you more likely to enter another one. The cycle will begin again.

Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be that way. It is possible to heal from a narcissistic relationship, leaving you free to enter a healthy, committed relationship with the right one for you. Sign up for our webinar, which will guide you through five steps to healing from narcissistic relationships (without spending years in therapy).