Holiday Peace, Caregiving, Chaos, and Other Paths…
11/23/2023
It is odd to write about holidays and caregiving for me at this point. In my working life I support those who are caring for others, in my life I have a cat, too many plants, a writing desk and a studio. I, like most people, have vivid memories of holidays. Some of my memories are beautiful, others are funny, and many are deeply painful. Holidays in my family were loving but often bittersweet. We created our own traditions because we lived a couple of states away from my mother’s family and my father only had us. Our family holidays were marked by my mother’s cancer and my father’s work, later by my father being a single parent and a terrible cook. While not the kind of holidays our friends’ families had when we were kids in school, both I and my brother loved our Thanksgivings and Christmases. The oddness made them special and defined our family.
My holidays as a caregiver stopped 5 years ago when my brother died. My friends and I have slowly begun to redefine what both Thanksgiving and Christmas mean. Loss is as much a part of the holiday season as presents, parties, lighting Hanukkah candles, putting out farolitos or recipes for turkey and stuffing. The beauty of traditions is still present, but there is a presence of absence.
One of my friends remembers her last holiday season as her mother’s caregiver, the beauty of the faith traditions and connection of amazing meals shared by family. As caregiving became more present, so did stress, tiredness, and the need to shift, ask for help and let go of external things in favor of softer more peaceful connection. Holiday tradition and the desire to give to others can create chaos and stress. It is ok to make a simple meal, eat take out or get respite care so you can breathe as a caregiver. It is ok to ask someone else to make the tamales or help clean. It is ok to limit the number of people you buy gifts for. God will forgive you if you skip church or temple. It is ok to need time alone and to say no. Feelings that are not peace, joy or gratitude will come up. Sadness, regrets, occasionally anger are part of the holiday season as well. That is ok. That is normal. That is human.
Reaching out for help is good. More than good. Getting a respite, talking to someone, deciding not to celebrate at all, even entrusting your loved one to care outside the home can all be deep expressions of love. Sometimes the most sacred love is the love that allows a caregiver to be safe, healthy, and truly present for themselves as well as the humans they care for. Peace starts inside the heart, inside our relationship with ourselves as well as the connections we have with others. My wish for the holiday season is for peace, for quiet connection and the freedom to choose how and when to engage with those I love. My wish for our elders, families, and the amazing, kind, special people out there who do the work of caring for others is that all of them realize how much they matter, how deeply they are loved, and that they find times of softness and quiet during this season. May we all find the blessing of peace. May we all give ourselves the space to not feel peaceful as well.
Stay connected with Vista Living Care
© Copyright 2024 by Vista Living Care. All Rights Reserved.
Site Design by Mango Moon Media