Does any of this sound familiar?
- Are you struggling to figure out who you are in your new role as a mother?
- Do you feel exhausted because your wellbeing is at the bottom of a never-ending family to-do list that you never quite find the time to address?
- Are you feeling completely overwhelmed by all the hats you're wearing?
- Have your priorities and motivations changed since becoming a parent?
- Do you feel guilty for not loving every minute of being a parent?
- Are you yearning for aspects of your life pre-kids?
If so, be assured you're not alone (even if it sometimes feels like it) and this article will help explain why!
There is a common misunderstanding that pregnancy and labour are simply about the birth of a baby. In fact, mothers and parents are also born at this moment (including those who haven't given birth, such as adoptive or stepmothers). With new roles and responsibilities come the highs and lows of new challenges. Society expects women to hit the ground running, with their maternal instincts kicking in and giving them the natural ability to parent their children (and love every minute of doing it) - which doesn't explain why most new parents find this transition time so hard, their reality doesn't match their expectations and leaves them constantly questioning their abilities!
Let's take a step back from these unrealistic ideals for a moment and look at the science. The narrative is quite different and a lot more forgiving! It shows us that women undergo profound physical, emotional, and psychological transformation through pregnancy and the early years of parenting, known as matrescence. There's a reason this sounds like adolescence - because the transformation has a similar impact. Let's explore this in more detail.
What is matrescence?
Matrescence is the developmental transition a woman undergoes when she becomes a mother. Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael, PhD 1973, this term describes the sweeping changes in identity, biology, emotions, and social roles during the postpartum period and beyond. Much like adolescence, matrescence is a time of immense transformation involving hormonal shifts, brain restructuring, and a redefinition of self. (Those niggling feelings you've been having are starting to sound a little more understandable now, aren't they!)
Psychologist Dr. Aurélie Athan has been instrumental in bringing matrescence into mainstream psychological discussions, highlighting that it is a complex and natural transition rather than a disorder. She talks about becoming rather than achieving - which can feel uncomfortable, in a society where we are taught to strive for success.
Dr Daniel Stern's work acknowledges that becoming a mother is like birthing a new identity. It may be as hard (or harder) as the birth itself - as you experience the emotional push-pull between old and new identities.
Despite its significance, matrescence is often overlooked, leaving many new mothers feeling unprepared or even isolated in their experiences. In fact, it was only in 2022 that the term matrescence made its way into the Cambridge Dictionary (no others yet), reflecting just how far we still have to go in recognising and understanding this crucial developmental period in a woman's life.
It may also explain why many postnatal resources focus on creating the perfect environment for the child - emotionally, physically, and developmentally, often without considering the parent's needs. This is particularly true in Western culture, where most of the mental and physical load of parenting falls on the mother's shoulders.
At New Life, we believe it's time to redress the balance. We focus on bringing attention back to including the parent and ensuring you have the tools and support to navigate this challenging time of change. By prioritising your wellbeing, you can rediscover yourself, learn to nurture your own needs, and ultimately show up as the best version of yourself—not just for your family but for yourself, too.
The science behind matrescence
The changes that occur during matrescence are not just psychological—they are deeply rooted in biology and neuroscience:
- Hormonal shifts: Pregnancy and postpartum bring dramatic fluctuations in estrogen, progesterone, oxytocin, and cortisol levels, affecting mood, bonding, and emotional regulation.
- Brain restructuring: Research shows that pregnancy and the early years of motherhood cause significant changes to the brain. The core areas affected allow us to empathise and understand another person's perspective - essential for newborn care and bonding! It also makes them more protective and aware of threats in their environment. This can leave many new mothers feeling hypervigilant and anxious. Read: How becoming a parent rewires your brain for more information.
- Identity and role changes: Becoming a mother often involves renegotiating relationships, career paths, personal ambitions, and social roles, which can lead to feelings of uncertainty or loss of self.
Recognising these changes as a natural and expected process can help new mothers feel less overwhelmed and more empowered to navigate this transition.
If you'd like to read more about this topic:
- Mama Rising: Discovering the new you through motherhood, by Anne Taylor-Kabbaz
- Matrescence: On the metamorphosis of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, by Lucy Jones.
- Motherland: A new way to thrive in a world of endless expectations by Zoe Blaskey.
Practical strategies for navigating matrescence
The process of matrescence can be challenging. Here are 6 ways to make this transition easier:
Acknowledge and normalise the experience.
Understanding that matrescence is real and not a sign of failure or inadequacy can be incredibly validating. Talk to other mothers, join supportive communities, and remind yourself that feeling mixed emotions is ok.
Prioritise self-compassion.
Motherhood comes with high expectations, but perfection is neither realistic nor necessary. Be kind to yourself, learn to let go of guilt, and allow yourself to grow into this new identity at your own pace. Read more about self-compassion here.
Nourish your body and mind.
Your body has undergone immense changes through pregnancy and birth. It takes a lot of energy to grow, feed and nurture a baby or run around after children. Now is the time to support your body with nutrient-dense foods, hydration, and gentle movement. Engage in mindfulness practices, journaling, or breathwork to help you regulate emotions and manage stress.
Seek connection and support.
Surround yourself with people who uplift and understand you—whether it's a trusted friend, partner, coach, or postnatal support group. Talking through your experiences helps you feel less alone and more supported.
Redefine your identity with patience.
You are not the same person you were before becoming a mother or parent. It's OK to feel the tug of your past self and pull off your new role - in fact, it's completely normal! Take time to explore these feelings. Find small ways to integrate elements of your pre-parent identity while embracing the new aspects of yourself.
Ask for help and accept it.
Caring for a newborn is demanding; you are not meant to do it alone. Accepting help—from your partner, family, friends, coach or a postpartum doula—can ease the transition and allow you space to care for yourself as well.
Embracing the transformation
Matrescence is a profound and natural process that deserves wider recognition and support. Acknowledge the changes that are happening within your life with self-compassion. Whilst you may have experiences similar to those of friends and family, your journey will be unique. There is no right way to be a parent. Take your time exploring this new identity and what you want your life to look like in this new role.
At New Life, our mission is to support parents as they navigate this profoundly personal and transformative journey with coaching and support services. By putting the focus back on you, we aim to empower you to prioritise your wellbeing, embrace your evolving identity, and step into motherhood with confidence. You are not alone on this journey!
