5 Tips for Building Trust With a New Partner
We hear the word ‘trust’ a lot in ordinary conversion. People don’t trust advertising, what they read in the newspapers, or what they hear on television. Other people don’t trust science while others only trust people who agree with them.
Humans are a social species. We need to trust each other for our group to function. Look at your daily life for evidence. You trust that driver will stop for a red light. Or you trust that your hairdresser knows what they’re doing.
Trust is also a fundamental part of a healthy and committed relationship. Without it, you can’t build a solid connection. Any relationship will be shallow and short-lived.
It’s also harder to build than it is to lose. Where do you start in building trust with a new partner? Read on to learn our top five tips!
1) Keep Other People's Secrets
We all know how fun gossip can be. Passing on juicy tidbits to others can help us feel like we're bonding. When we pass on a secret, we become special, because we're "in the know", and others aren't. But you cannot build trust with other people when you do this.
That's because the people seeing you passing on secrets will always wonder if you also pass on theirs.
So one way to build trust with a new partner is to keep secrets other people tell you. Don't gossip or pass things on that aren't yours to circulate. Your partner will see that secrets stop with you and go no further. This shows them that their secrets are also safe with you, turning you into a person they can trust.
This step comes from Brene Brown’s fantastic ‘Braving’ framework. Click here to learn more about the other steps.
2) Be Yourself
We all know how tempting it is to ‘put on a show’ for a new partner. We’ll go on a date and only show them our best side. Why? Because we fear rejection if we show up as ourselves.
It’s understandable. No one likes to feel embarrassed or to feel misunderstood. But playing a role to make someone like you doesn’t allow any room for vulnerability. You can’t build a connection with someone—and trust depends on that connection—if you don’t know the real person.
So, if you want to build trust, be yourself at all times. Be unapologetic about being yourself. Open up and talk about the things that aren’t important to you. Yes, your partner might laugh at you or let you down. If they do, they’ve shown you they aren’t worth your trust. If they don’t, you’ve opened up a space where you can both be yourselves. They can trust you because they see the real you. If your partner can be themselves, you can trust them too.
Unless your partner is already comfortable with this, you’ll need to take a lead on it. But we guarantee it’s worth it in the long run.
3) Actions, Not Words
It can be so easy to say things you don't mean, or don't actually want to do. Look at parents who tell a child they'll take them home if they keep misbehaving. But then they don't follow through on the threat. Over time, the child learns that what the parent says doesn't mean anything and they can ignore it.
A solid way to build trust is to say what you'll do, and do what you'll say. Let's say you're always late for dates. Over time, your partner will see that you're not prioritising the relationship. It looks like you're not making an effort to be on time. No matter how much you tell them how you feel, your persistent lateness tells a different story.
Now imagine you make an effort to be on time for dates. Sometimes you're even a few minutes early! Now your actions tell your partner that they matter to you and that the date is an important part of your day. This makes you easier to trust.
Following through and aligning your actions with your words takes time and effort. It's an investment that you need to make. Naturally, this works both ways, which leads us onto number 4...
4) Create Safe Spaces for Conversation
You're going to have times when you disagree. Or your partner will do something that bothers you (or vice versa). In a healthy relationship, you'll be able to bring this up without fear that it'll cause a rift or an argument.
Create a safe space in which you can both express your feelings. You need to do so without either of you dismissing or minimising these feelings. Learn to listen without getting triggered. It's easy to mistake a partner's words for criticism and to go on the defensive. But if neither of you feels you can raise issues with each other, then you'll spend your relationship walking on eggshells. You won't be able to build trust or have any kind of deep connection.
Listening without escalating things into an argument takes practice. But this is why collaboration is so important to your relationship. With it, you'll be able to work out a solution together. When you can handle an issue in an emotionally mature way, you can trust your partner with anything.
5) Behavioural Profiling
People learn how to lie at a young age. Just witness the child who insists they didn’t knock something over, even though you saw them do it. But unless you’re a trained actor, few people have learned how to lie with their body too. So when there’s a mismatch between their body language and their words, it’s a cue to look deeper.
You can pick up some of this yourself. Look at how confusing it is when someone says ‘yes’ but shakes their head! This is why we include behavioural profiling in our approach to relationships. Once their body language matches what they say, it’s much easier to trust them. You know they’re telling you how they really feel because they’re in complete alignment.
We teach behavioural profiling techniques backed by $30 million of government research. We want you to feel confident in seeing the real person sitting opposite you. Once you’re confident, you’ll know if you’ve picked the right person. Profiling is the fastest and most reliable way to get to that stage.
That's How You Start Building Trust With a New Partner
These steps will get you started with building trust with a new partner. The beautiful thing about trust is that once you start to build it, it gains momentum and grows on its own. You might even consider talking through these steps with your new partner and working on them together. Think of it as a trust-building exercise!
If you’re only in the early stages of dating, and you’re not sure if you can trust them yet, don’t worry. You’ll love our on-demand webinar, ‘The five secrets to attract a high-quality partner for a loving & lasting relationship (without lowering your standards, compromising or settling!)’ In it, you’ll learn everything you need to know to make sure the person you’re dating is worthy of you and your love.
