Exploring the Nuances of Emotional Eating for a More Empowering, and Productive, Perspective
September 28, 2023 | Roni Davis
I was hosting a workshop series recently and in one of them, I said something that really raised eyebrows.
There are no right or wrong, good or bad, reasons to eat.
Another one of my seemingly crazy ideas, I know, but stay with me here because this is really about challenging and shifting judgments behind black and white thinking.
It's about recognizing the shades of gray and reframing harmful judgments that come with that 'good v bad' narrative (especially around food) through a lens of kindness and compassion instead.
Let's dive in, starting with an example.
Judgment Leaves No Room For Compassion
When I was in therapy for binge eating/bulimia a number of years ago, I remember walking into therapy one day and bursting into tears as I talked about a particularly bad binge episode I recently had.
I had just come from visiting one of my best friends since childhood in the hospital. She was within days of dying, unrecognizable and unconscious and upon leaving her room that day, I intentionally drove straight to the grocery store, bought alllllll the binge foods. I went home, spread it all out around me on the couch and ate it all while sobbing uncontrollably.
That was the first time I was consciously aware that not only was I in excruciating emotional pain, but that I needed food to fix it and I was very purposefully on a mission to shove as much comfort (food) into that pain as I possibly could. It was a level of awareness I'd never experienced before and while it was nice to know why I was bingeing, I still felt ashamed, disgusted with myself and scared - scared of gaining weight and/or being unhealthy from eating so much 'junk'.
When I was done talking, the therapist said something along the lines of, "what if you needed that binge?"
I, in my most sarcastic voice, said something like, "oh yeah, did I ever need it 🙄 I was sick as hell for hours afterwards."
He expanded by pointing out that given my emotional state, and lack of emotional coping strategies, I made the best decision I could have at the time.
I thought he was nuts for endorsing such unhealthy and shameful behavior and was frustrated that he'd never given me any of these supposed coping strategies, whatever they might be.
Years later, after spending a ton of time learning to not only understand, but manage and nurture my emotions, I finally got it.
Just because emotional eating might be a less than ideal long-term solution, that doesn't mean it's automatically bad, nor does it mean the person engaging in it is bad. The real problem is actually the judgment and shame because that adds another level of emotional suffering (read: more reasons to numb or comfort with food), and it erodes your relationship with self (which leads to more self-punishing behaviors with food).
In the example I gave with my binge, the fact that I was judging my actions (I was the 'wrong' things for the 'wrong' reasons, which obviously meant I was somehow weak and stupid 🙄) caused an enormous amount of extra pain that I did not need or deserve.
If we stop judging, we can instead, offer compassion and support—which is what we really need—rather than heap more suffering on a moment of suffering.
Then we can consider: how is this behavior serving me? What need is this behavior meeting?
Our Emotional Needs Matter
Human health and well-being encompasses a whole lot more than nutrients, calories, exercise or the number on a scale. Nurturing our mental and emotional well-being by supporting those needs is just as important. Perhaps even more so, because our mental and emotional health have a direct impact on our physical health.
When we lack the tools or skills necessary to understand and nurture those needs, we naturally develop our own coping mechanisms. One of the most normal, and common ones most people develop to some degree or another, is food. The only real problem with relying on food, as I see it now, is (beyond the judgement of it) the degree to which we do so.
If food is the only coping strategy we have, our emotions never get the attention they need, and we can end up in the situation I just described every time life triggers a negative emotion.
So once we recognize the behavior is actually currently serving a purpose, we can then consider, is there a better way I can learn to meet this need? And if so, how do I access it?
It's not a moral failing to survive the best way you can and having some way to manage emotions right now is better than having none.
When we think about it this way, we can acknowledge that right now, our immediate tasks are to:
And then, when you have more mental and emotional energy to spare, you can choose those moments to begin learning and practicing new coping strategies, so you have more effective and nurturing ones to rely on going forward.
In this way, we're not fighting with ourselves and our reality (by judging and shaming our choices). Instead, we're accepting and meeting ourselves where we are, recognizing patterns that don't serve us, and learning to replace old, less than ideal patterns with new, more helpful ones.
Remember, we're all doing our best with what we have and how we feel at this moment. When we learn and grow (and feel better), we naturally start making more nurturing choices for ourselves.
The biggest problem with eating for reasons other than physical hunger is the black and white labels we've learned to attach to what we think are the 'right' or 'wrong' reasons to eat.
Judging and shaming ourselves for it all only serves to cause more suffering, and contributes to even more eating (because it causes even more negative emotions that need to be comforted and it contributes to self-punishing behaviors).
Shifting to love and compassion allows you to honor your normal humanness, give yourself grace for not being perfect and for simply doing the best you can, while recognizing that the best you're capable of changes from moment to moment.
And this provides the space needed to begin learning new ways to nurture emotions without food.
As I mentioned above, it's not at all an easy task. At least it wasn't for me! But it beats the alternative of doing nothing about it.
Final Thoughts
If you're an emotional eater, try replacement judgment over your choices with compassion and awareness. That means allowing yourself to continue relying on food for now because it's the best choice you have, but once you've started eating, then try practicing some new coping strategies while you're still eating.
This can help in a few ways.
First, it helps make it a little more likely that you'll practice the new 'thing'. When emotions are high, and we're used to easily jumping to food without having to think about them, it's incredibly difficult to make yourself not jump straight to food and do something different. This way, you don't have to try to stop yourself from doing what's worked so well for so long in order to also be able to start practicing the new thing.
The other reason why this is helpful is because it helps to create associations in your brain between the new habit you want to create and the old pattern that you're already comfortable with. That makes it way more likely the new ones will stick.
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