Why you should detach from people and situations and learn to be happy alone. 

I used to hate being alone.

I could spend brief moments by myself, but there would usually come a time when being alone would start to feel lonely and scary.

When I moved out of my parent’s place around the age of 22 with my brother, I was comforted by the idea that he would be with me if living by myself would be too challenging.

Imagine the shock when my brother announced two months after we moved in that he was leaving Switzerland to go live in the UK.

Not only would I have to find a way to pay the rent all by myself, but the worst thing was that I would have to come home to an empty apartment.

Little would I know that this is exactly the situation I needed to finally first make a step towards who I truly am.

Most of us are attached, needy and dependent on everything but ourselves.

• You are attached to a job
• You are attached to the past
• You are attached to a person
• You are attached to a religion
• You are attached to your phone
• You are attached to an outcome
• You are attached to instant pleasures and gratification

Your attachment to things, situations and people isn’t grounded in something honest.

It comes from your personal wounds and reflects how insecure and unresourceful you feel within yourself.

If you struggle to be alone, you are mainly using things, situations and people for your own selfish needs and benefits.

You aren’t with this person because you truly want to be with them, it’s because you need them to not be alone.

You aren’t doing this job because you truly want to do it, it’s because you need that job to pay your bills at the end of the month.

You aren’t constantly trying to do things perfectly because you truly want to do it, it’s because you need the validation from the external world to find a sense of worth internally.

Whatever you are not willing to find within yourself you will desperately seek externally.

This creates an attachment to that person, thing or situation that becomes part of your identity.

Instead of simply allowing that to exist externally, you use it to fill something you lack internally. You make everything about you to the point where your mental and emotional survival is now threatened if you were to lose whatever you are attached to.

The loss of that relationship, thing or situation is so terribly painful because it feels like a part of you is dying with it.

You will fight and resist letting go of it or find another similar person or situation to reattach yourself to so you don’t have to face that emptiness inside of you for too long.

There is one important thing I want you to sit with.

The things, people and situations you are attached to externally will always have control over you.

And whatever has control over you, has power over you. (read this letter to learn about power, control and responsibility).

Most people are not willing to accept this truth because it painfully highlights their own insecurities and insufficiencies.

We rather seek comfort in selfishly using the external world than find the courage to walk straight towards the void we have been trying to run away from for so long.

Some people spend their whole lives running away from that void.

They choose the path of avoidance, deceit and powerlessness because of the temporal comfort found in the things or people they are attached to.

If that is you right now, I want to ask you one question.

What would happen if you were to unapologetically own everything you are and everything you have done right now?

See, you are so scared to stop running because you think that who you truly are isn’t enough.

But have you ever questioned the accuracy of the belief that you are holding?

And do you realise that what prevents you from getting to know the most important person in your life (yourself) is a belief you have never questioned?

When you learn to put things into perspective, they can become pretty ridiculous to look at.

I hope this can give you some courage to slow down your frenetic and directionless run and turn the fear of your own void into curiosity instead.

The path you need to start walking.

There is one person who will never walk away from you.

Someone who you will always be able to count on.

Someone who will always exactly get how you feel and know what you need.

Someone who will hold you through the anger, the pain, the fear, the doubts, the disappointments and the shame.

Someone who will show you the way when you are completely lost.

Someone who will applaud and celebrate every step you take towards yourself and growth.

That person is you.

You are the answer to everything you have been looking for.

It’s in confronting true solitude that you will meet the ultimate life companion which is no one else but yourself.

In today’s letter, I will present you with the reasons why carving out time to be alone is absolutely crucial and in next week’s letter I will lay out my whole approach to overcoming your fear of detachment.

Developing the ability to be comfortable in your own company says certain things about you.

It reflects a certain level of confidence and internal security. You can count on yourself and have a certain level of self-respect and standards you hold yourself up to on a daily basis.

You think for yourself, are more aware of your needs, wants and desires and can choose what is right for you instead of what is expected by the world.

Your sense of worth comes from a deep inner knowing and you are less impacted by external judgement, rejection or abandonment because you got yourself.

Self-confidence, self-love and self-esteem don’t just happen. It’s the by-product of the process of becoming deeply interested in understanding who you are.

To learn about yourself you need to:

1. Become more self-sufficient

Humans are incredibly resourceful. Your imagination and thinking ability have no limits, which means that you could come up with a million ways to solve most of the problems you are currently facing.

• Your health problems
• Your financial problems
• Your motivation problems
• Your relationship problems
• Your self-confidence problems

These are all problems you need to find solutions to because no one will come and solve them for you.

Unfortunately, we live in an era where we have gotten so complacent with accepting the status quo as the standard for our lives that we have lost our connection to our need to do hard things for the purpose of awareness and growth.

This makes you needy, dependent, attached and powerless to the external world and prevents you from becoming a human you can trust, respect and depend on.

When you turn for a solution inwards instead of reaching for a quick fix outward you start to realise that you will be able to meet a lot of your personal needs and expectations yourself.

Relationships are beautiful and needed for so many reasons, but you can’t expect to get all your needs met by the people you are in a relationship with.

Self-sufficiency will give you immense leverage and power in the way you will present yourself to the world.

It gives you the freedom to walk away from whatever doesn’t serve you anymore or isn’t aligned with what you want for your life. Because you aren’t dependent on that job, on that relationship or on that vice it can’t have any control and power over you.

2. Become more valuable

I want you to take a moment and ask yourself the following question:

In what ways am I positively contributing to this world?

If you don’t have an answer to that, you have to become serious about finding your purpose on this planet.

Otherwise, you waste a lot of time aimlessly wandering around, feeling lost and useless.

You probably know how much of a painful feeling that is because it’s pointing you towards this deep internal knowing that you aren’t living up to what you know you are capable of.

To become more valuable, you have to start.

Pick anything. But start.

Identify a pain point in your life and commit to finding a solution to this problem.

Through this journey, you won’t only learn a lot about yourself, but you will simultaneously be able to help the world through the skills, knowledge and understanding you have developed.

Spending time alone is vital for your own growth and journey towards yourself. With time your own journey will become a source of healing to the world.

And the most precious and beautiful thing about developing this deep relationship with yourself is that you get to have yourself, for the rest of your life.

I will see you in next week’s letter.

Until then, take care.

Oli