6 days ago I wrote a quick post on LinkedIn about my best mate, who's going through a sh!t time at the moment plus coming to terms with the grief of his mum passing away just after Christmas.

When I went to see him, it was the lowest I'd known him to be. He was definitely heading towards depression with a lot of other sh!t still going on which continues to trigger his loss. 😢

The thing is, grief doesn't just occur when someone dies. Grief is a natural response to 'loss'

I'll just for a moment focus on grief in relation to loved ones. It is a process that is experienced differently by everyone. For me, it took over 3 years after the passing of my mum to return to what I considered normality. So I know what my bestie is currently going through.

There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve.

There is no set timeline for how long the process may take.

But we do know that the grief of a loved one is often conceptualised as occurring in stages.

Stages of Grief

The first stage of grief is denial. And for me and my bestie we tried to avoid the reality of our loss, especially the impact it will have on our lives. However, it can be said that 'denial' is the human defence mechanism that helps people to cope with the pain of loss.

The second stage of grief is anger. Oh yes, the anger inside and why they died and left us is just a way of expressing our rage and hurt in an outward way. Becoming withdrawn, possibly resentful, and maybe even lashing out at those around us, especially the ones we love. I read that this stage of grief is often characterised by feelings of betrayal and abandonment.

Abandonment, yes, that's how we both felt.

The third stage of grief is bargaining. In this stage, people may try to make deals with the universe in an attempt to change the outcome of their loss. They may blame themselves or others for the loss, with the belief that they could have done something to prevent it. In the case of my bestie, he feels he could have changed the outcome.

The fourth stage of grief is depression. This is the stage that my mate was heading in. The stage of deep sadness and despair. Feeling numb and disconnected from the world around them. This stage of grief can be difficult to endure, but it is often a necessary part of the healing process.

When I was with him on this day, I just let him be. No judgement. If he wanted to talk, sit in silence, or kick me out I'd have accepted his needs. And that's what I did, I took my laptop and did some work and he talked when he was ready.

The fifth and final stage of grief is acceptance. In this stage, people come to terms with the reality of their loss. They may still feel pain and sadness, but they are able to move forward with their lives. This stage of grief is often marked by a sense of peace and resolution.

It took me 3 years to get to that stage, and for my bestie I know he will get there.

A Reminder

I was however, reminded yesterday that in some situations, grief and the circumstances around that loss can still impact us many, many years later. And that in turn may create additional fears around loss in general that could continue to impact us today.

Then we have 'loss' in general.

For example, the loss of a job, a pet, a treasured item, money, our home, witnessing a traumatic event or losing a body part. All of this will trigger unwanted emotions.

Golf

For my best friend I see a light for him because yesterday, I managed to get him out of the house and we went and played golf together..he beat me! 🙄

And while he still has a long road ahead, and there will be tears and sudden emotions, he did start talking to me about the future and said "after all, I don't need to be around for mum anymore"

Support

When my mum died I turned to the charity Cruse. The woman who came round was amazing and just allowed me to talk about my mum without interruption or judgment, and that's what I did for my friend.

I feel it's important to process loss in whichever way we need to. However, there may come a time when you are done grieving, and you want to move forward, but the feelings just keep coming back, even though you have mentally come to terms with the loss. If this is the case, then please get in touch with me. 

I can help.

Karen x

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