Every now and then, a new theory or idea sweeps through the dating world. They're often quite damaging and lead people to stay in toxic relationships. Look at the idea of the 'twin flame'. It's often used to encourage people to tolerate abusive behaviour. Another dangerous theory is that you can cure a narcissist.

There's no easy way to say this but there is no cure for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Like any personality disorder, a sufferer can learn to manage it. (Though you'll struggle to get a narcissist to identify as a 'sufferer'). But no, NPD can't be cured.

It can be treated so therapy can help. Remember, narcissism does exist on a spectrum. Someone might not have been officially diagnosed but still be a narcissist. So we want to break down why narcissism can't be cured, why therapy can help, and what you should do—if anything—about it.

Why Does a Narcissist Need Therapy?

It's primarily for two things. First, the therapist focuses on building the narcissist's self-esteem. At their core, the narcissist has terrible self-esteem. I know, it's surprising to hear, isn't it? Yet that's one of the reasons why narcissists behave the way they do. They shore up that lack of self-esteem with the image they project to others. They work so hard to tear you down to make themselves feel better.

Second, the therapist also works on creating better expectations of others. The narcissist is often triggered into their appalling behaviour because someone lets them down. Maybe someone makes a mistake or proves themselves to be human. The other person is not at fault. It's down to the narcissist setting the bar so high that everyone will fail to keep them happy sooner or later.

Don't take any of this to mean that you should start working to improve the self-esteem of the narcissist. It's not your job and it isn't going to help. Research shows that narcissistic abuse syndrome could affect over 158 million people in the US alone. It’s a problem that clearly needs solving.

But it’s difficult to solve because most narcissists don't accept they need help. Even if they do speak to a psychotherapist, they can quit when it gets uncomfortable.

Why Do Narcissists Find It Hard to Change?

It's difficult to get narcissists to change because they have low empathy for the feelings of others. They don't care what impact they're having on you. If changing doesn't benefit them, they're not really interested.

They also find self-reflection hard. Narcissists work hard to build a hard shell around themselves. This is what protects their fragile ego while they put themselves on a pedestal. As a result, they reject their negative qualities and focus on what they deem to be positive. Trouble is, that means they can't see other people as a mixture of good and bad too. Anything that challenges this view of themselves as perfect can cause them to lash out.

I knew someone who proudly admitted he "used to be" a narcissist. Any throwaway remark could provoke him into an outburst—even those that had nothing to do with him. His default reaction was to heavily criticise me. It was so confusing, not to mention upsetting. I got tired of walking on eggshells and stopped replying to his messages. He was never going to change.

Narcissists vs Narcissistic Traits

We should quickly look at the difference between narcissists and narcissistic traits. Most people can slip up and perpetuate a narcissistic behaviour from time to time.

The easiest way to tell if it's only a trait is how often it happens, how long it goes on for, and how intense it is.

As an example, one of your colleagues gets some praise at work. They develop an ego about it and start belittling you. Perhaps they even behave like they're your boss. But then they get over it and go back to normal. It's annoying, and common, but it's not intended to be negative behaviour. 

That's not the same as the continual, intense, and deliberate behaviour of a narcissist. Someone who occasionally displays a narcissistic trait is more likely to change following feedback from friends. They’re probably horrified that they messed up.

By comparison, a narcissist has to see a benefit in changing. If they're a high functioning narcissist, they may not see any reason to because life otherwise treats them well.

Narcissists see everything in terms of what will benefit them.

So Should I Stick Around for a Narcissist?

The bottom line is—no. You can't cure a narcissist. You also won't be able to 'love' them out of narcissism. 

Yes, a narcissist may promise they'll change if you threaten to leave. Expect a phase of love bombing to follow, before they revert to causing you pain. Some narcissists may even enter therapy just to appease you. 

Once they can show they made an effort, they're likely to drop out.

It's important to note not all of them will drop out. Some narcissists will stay in therapy if they can see a benefit to it. Sometimes they can learn to identify their own triggers. This lets them avoid them in future—remember, they can’t handle emotional pain, so if they can avoid it, they will. Even while they're making progress, it's still ultimately to serve themselves. They're trying to avoid pain, but they're still not bothered about how much they hurt others.  

Put Yourself First

Remember it's not YOUR job to fix a narcissist. You can't cure them. Even if they do go to therapy, it can take years before they make progress. Yes, it's true that narcissism is usually a protective mechanism. The narcissist often had an abusive childhood or a narcissistic parent. They absorbed negative messages and internalised the behaviour they saw as the way to survive in the world.

That does NOT excuse the way they behave. I'm not saying you should show empathy for them, but just recognise where their behaviour comes from. As in, it's got nothing to do with you. You didn't cause it, and you don't deserve to be on the receiving end of it.

There is no excuse for gaslighting, manipulation, lying, angry outbursts, or the silent treatment. You deserve better than that.

Identifying a narcissist can prove to be the best solution. By seeing them early, you can decide how much access they need to your life (ideally, none at all). Many women rely on their intuition, but narcissists are skilled at flying under your radar. It’s easy for them to get in a foot in the door before you’re realised they even rang the doorbell.

So learn the skills to identify them and send them on their way. You can preserve your sanity and save your love for someone who deserves it. Click here to join our unique Identify and Disarm Narcissists program. It’s been developed in partnership with the guy who trains military operatives. If it can keep them alive in dangerous situations, what can these skills do for your love life?