The fastest way to become confident

(how learning to be alone has made me socially confident)

I’ve always admired my classmates who could just get in front of the classroom whenever the teacher requested it, confidently explain their answer to a problem and effortlessly make the whole class laugh if they were wrong about it.

 

My experience as a student was completely different.

 

I was so afraid of failure and humiliation that I tried to remain as discreet as possible, hoping the teacher wouldn’t notice me and ask for my answer or opinion.

 

One of my most vivid memories brings me back to my 8-year-old self, relentlessly practising asking for a slice of bread from the school concierge selling bread and apples during our lunch break.

 

“a slice of bread for 20 cents, please”

“a slice of bread for 20 cents, please”

“a slice of bread for 20 cents, please”

 

Was the phrase I’d prepared myself to say as I nervously was standing in the queue.

 

Unfortunately, once I arrived in front of this big bearded man, nothing came out of my mouth. I ended up pointing to the bread, handing him the 20 cents and just wanting to disappear from that very moment.

 

As I became a teenager and then a young woman,

 

• I avoided asking for help when I couldn’t find something in a store
• I had to write down a text to read every time I had to make a phone  call
• I learned as much school material by heart (without really understanding it) every time we had to do a presentation in front of the class or for my exams
• I wasn’t interesting or captivating to listen to because there wasn’t any depth or reasoning behind my opinions

 

I was a shy person and spent a lot of time masking my shyness and lack of confidence by saying that I was reserved or introverted.

 

The truth was that I didn’t know who I was, so I didn’t have much to share about myself, and the opinions I had were simply regurgitated viewpoints I adopted from other people because they sounded good but weren’t grounded in personal experiences or deeply reflected upon.

 

I was a shallow, unskilled, boring and average human being.

 

There is only so much you can do and experience when you decide to take the path everyone else is taking.

 

Taking the same path everyone else is on, makes you think that this is the only path that exists.

 

• You go to school to learn what everyone else is learning
• You get a job to do what everyone else is doing
• You retire when society tells you to do so

 

And occasionally, you are allowed to add some excitement into your life through holidays, annual festivities or a night out during the weekend.

 

Society’s path is easy, comforting and predictable.

 

It’s the right path for anyone who wants to learn how to be content with how things are, who sometimes wonders “what if” but isn’t truly curious about the answer to that question or wants to avoid taking responsibility for the dissatisfaction of their life experience.

 

But it’s unfortunately not the path that will lead you to confidence, security, control, freedom, abundance, infinite opportunities and real happiness.

 

If you have repetitively been feeling dissatisfied, frustrated, limited, demotivated, depressed, stressed or upset about your current reality and future it’s probably because you are on the wrong path.

 

You took the easy route when you were meant to take your own path.

 

Rare are the people who are willing to leave society’s path for the complete unknown.

 

It’s the hardest adventure to take on because your path doesn’t exist. It has yet to be created by anyone else but yourself.

 

This letter is not about me telling you to quit your job, invest the little amount of money you have saved up in crypto and hope for the best.

 

Discovering your own path isn’t about ruthlessly jumping into the abyss of the unknown. It starts with gradually pushing the boundaries of what you know to extend your sense of self to something bigger than who society moulded you into.

 

To do that, you have to overcome your fear of detachment from the external world.

 

Right now, you derive your sense of worth and need for belonging from your environment.

 

This means that you use the external world’s feedback and opinions about yourself to determine whether you are important, valuable and worthy.

 

It’s a process we have all been conditioned into since our childhood.

 

The only way to learn about yourself as a child was through your mum, dad, family and then school system.

 

You are a product of the environment you grew up with.

 

This is not a good or a bad thing but it becomes something bad if that is the only way you perceive yourself because you never questioned if the things your environment taught you about yourself were actually right or wrong.

 

How could your environment possibly tell you who you are if who you were hasn’t even been explored yet?

 

To add one on top, who are your parents or school teachers to tell you who you should be in the first place?

 

When you take the time to sit with this, you realise that we have a lot to unpack.

 

It’s a scary process that will hold most people back because we have all built a life based on this character that isn’t really who we are.

 

For the most courageous of you, let’s slowly walk towards the edge of this secure path you are currently on and take the first little step outside of that path.

 

The day you open your eyes.

 

To do that, you have to gradually decrease your attention and attachment to the external world to shift your focus and awareness internally.

 

In other words, you want to get more and more comfortable being alone.

 

It sounds so simple but for a lot of us, this is actually scary.

 

Sit on your couch or your bed, put all the distractions away, set a timer for 30 minutes and see how uncomfortable you feel with the idea of having to confront yourself with everything that is going on in your head until the alarm rings.

 

The silence of the environment around you contrasts heavily with all the loud thoughts relentlessly coming and going in your mind.

 

Memories of things you don’t want to think about are resurfacing.

 

Emotions you didn’t want to feel come up to be released.

 

You get nervous and impatient because you want to get back to your phone, Netflix or another of the million ways you are used to distracting yourself.

 

This is what I mean by becoming comfortable with yourself.

 

It means not running away.

 

Allowing the rising thoughts, emotions and memories to point you towards all the situations and problems you haven’t been willing to feel, confront and resolve.

 

It means opening your eyes to accepting reality for what it is instead of turning it into what you want it to be.

 

It means looking at the shallow, unskilled, boring and average human being that you are and accepting that you haven’t had the chance to explore and get to know yourself yet.

 

This is the first big hurdle most people don’t overcome.

 

Because they can’t push through this level of discomfort.

 

But if you hold on to it just a little bit longer, I promise you will come out the other end.

 

Once you have been through this first very important experience, things will look, feel and sound different.

 

It’s almost like you wear some new HD glasses that allow you to perceive reality differently.

 

• You feel indifferent to what used to annoy you.
• Certain of your actions don’t seem to make sense anymore.
• You notice things you were completely oblivious to 2 days ago.
• You are looking for depth, meaning and purpose in the things you do and the conversations you have.

 

Welcome to the start of your own path. You made it.

 

Now, your main priority will be to keep walking that new path, regardless of the opinion and the feedback the external world will reflect back to you.

 

Here is what I want you to do.

 

1) Talk less, observe more.

 

Right now, you are finding out about yourself and the world through the lens of reality.

 

You are getting into the habit of questioning your beliefs, your actions, your relationships, your environment, people’s words and behaviors and the world at large.

 

Your quest for truth creates a collapse of the lies and illusionary world you were trying to convince yourself of for so long.

 

You don’t know what is true or false anymore.

 

You feel lost and wish you could go back to total unconsciousness.

 

It’s a phase that humbles you. Because most of us like to hold on to the idea that we are stronger, better, more important, more intelligent, more special than what we truly are.

 

It’s a phase where I invite you to become more silent.

 

In conversations.

 

In interactions.

 

In your head.

 

Because right now, you haven’t figured much out yet, so it would be pretentious and ignorant of you to have strong opinions related to topics you have no idea about.

 

2) Plan extended alone time.

 

You actively want to seek solitude more often.

 

Schedule alone time. Go for walks by yourself. Take yourself out for dinner and eat alone.

 

I even encourage you to plan a full-day hike in nature or a short holiday all by yourself.

 

Learn to enjoy your own company and get curious about the person you are embodying.

 

3) Set (very) small goals and achieve them.

 

Spending time alone helps you silence the noise from the world and connect to the voice we all have within.

 

This voice will slowly reconnect you to desires, dreams and aspirations that have been buried deeply within your being as you went through the conditioning process of society.

 

When you start to find out about the things you desire to explore and experience, you have to take them seriously. They are the key to your growth and happiness.

 

Let your desires become clear and act upon them.

 

It can be something as small as:

 

• waking up 15 minutes earlier to read a book about a topic you are interested in before going to work because you want to start educating yourself.
• going for a walk before in the forest 2 times per week because you want to become healthier.
• investing in an online course from a creator that inspires you because you want to learn a new skill.
• cooking at home more often to save some money because you want to finally visit that country on your next holiday.

 

Every new desire you fulfill is a step taken towards your own path.

 

It’s an act of love towards yourself and proof that you are committed to making good things happen for yourself.

 

4) Journal (and explore the wounded parts of you that fear abandonment)

 

You went through difficult things.

 

People mistreated you, abused you, hurt you, let you down, lied to you, manipulated you or even worse.

 

I am sorry you had to go through this.

 

You won’t be able to walk your own path if your heart is in pain and your mind is at war.

 

Time spent alone is sacred. It is also your opportunity to be present with the wounded parts of you.

The ones who have been judged, criticized, abandoned, rejected and hurt. No one was able to see and validate that pain, but this time there is someone here.

 

You.

 

Take your journal and write. Put all of it on paper. It doesn’t have to be pretty; it doesn’t have to sound good it just has to be seen, felt and released.

 

Let it all out.

 

Then, let writing in your journal become a way to care for yourself, to reflect on the accuracy of your thoughts and an outlet for your emotions.

“People who learn to control inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their lives, which is as close as any of us can come to being happy.”  —  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

You probably want to understand the correlation between being alone and becoming socially confident.

 

The concept of confidence can be unraveled in many different aspects.

 

The foundation of confidence is tied to the concept of mastery.

 

It is impossible to master something you have never done before.

 

It’s actually a bit ridiculous of ourselves to even expect such an outcome.

 

Today, I can confidently speak in front of a crowd or a public.

 

Today, when I speak, people enjoy listening to me because I have something interesting to say (you reading this full letter is a very simple way to prove that).

 

Confidence isn’t about some mysterious technique that makes everyone like you.

 

Confidence is the ability to deeply trust yourself because you know who you are and what you can do.

 

And the only way to find that, is by finding yourself.

 

I will see you in next week’s letter,

 

Until then, take care.

 

Oli