4 Essential boundary tools for a weekend visit with difficult family members
In this Article:
By Simona Vivi H
Intentional choices about spending time with hard family members
Last weekend, I spent some time with a hard-for-me* relative. It wasn't my favorite experience, but it gave me a great opportunity to test out some of the amazing boundary techniques our reMothering Masterclass teachers have shared with us.
While I wish I could tell you that once we've done our remothering work, we don't get activated, that is not how the human brain is set up.
Our brains scan for safety 4 times per second, and as social animals, social threat registers as danger. The specifics of what registers as danger are based on our history-colored glasses; and yes, there are ways to update some of what registers as social threat. That's also part of the remothering journey, which you can read more about in our "how do I remother myself" series.
In today's article, 4 Essential Boundary tools, I share the boundary toolkit I put together for the trip...
4 essential boundary tools for a weekend away with relatives
Take time to DECIDE if you want to go or not
~Annie Wright, LMFT
"It is benevolent and respectful to allow another person to have their own emotional process"
~Jules Taylor Shore
Permission to carve out time for yourself
Literally shake it off so it doesn't leave any residue in your nervous system
For this particular relative, calling her a hard-for-me relative helps me to remember that she is another human-being on her own life's adventure and navigating her own set of challenges.
I think this goes into the category of doing my best to lean into "the angels of my better nature". If I didn't have that language to ground me, I'm pretty sure that rather than finding the SNL friendship song (featuring Tina Fey and Nicki Minaj) to be amusing & funny, I'd be wishing that Tina, Aidy, Kate, and Nicki were my squad IRL (kidding, not kidding).
Article written by:
Simona Vivi H
Simona Vivi Hadjigeorgalis is the founder of reMothering.org, a collaborative space where industry leaders create remothering resources for independent-learning. Simona also has a private coaching practice at The Center for Remothering.
For more from Simona, check out her FREE mini-course: Liberate Your Inner Dialogue, 4 seemingly simple yet amazingly effective techniques to quiet stormy mental chatter at CenterForRemothering.com/liberate-mental-chatter
For more on boundaries
The Language of Boundaries I
Visit Simona Vivi H on Medium to check out her series on the language of boundaries
Part one answers the questions: what are personal boundaries
The Language of Boundaries II
Check out part two for more about the personal boundary spectrum and how boundary-adaptations show up in our day-to-day lives
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