Preparing to Separate....
What you need to know.
Here you'll find answers to some of the most common questions I receive from clients about what one might need in place before separating. Please know that the information below should be considered the gold standard. If you have some in place, that's good! I've also included questions to anticipate from your children, depending on their developmental ages.
This information comes from 20+ years of helping hundreds of families separate. I absolutely understand that sometimes couples need to separate immediately when tension is too high to wait and have some of the below in place. That's okay. It's manageable. However, if you can, the outcome will be less stressful and traumatic for everyone.
I also understand you may want further clarification, so if you don't find the Q&A's you need here, please contact me and I'd be happy to provide you with clear and concise answers to your questions so you can make an informed choice. You can always set up a consultation with me as well.
The Decision.
Deciding to separate is an incredibly difficult decision to make. Most people have contemplated it for several months if not years, because it is so painful to act on, especially when you have children. It can also be challenging when the choice to no longer be married is not mutual or leaves to be in another relationship. It's never simple and it's never clear-cut. And at this point in time there are so many decisions to be made, that it's incredible how much parents have to manage during this time. Stress, anxiety, financial burden, grief, and worry, to name a few, can all collapse our capacity to think and make good choices for our kids and ourselves. The following will help you think and shore yourselves up for what's to come:
Find support: If you're having trouble communicating with your partner about next steps or need help dealing with the emotional impact of separating, consider seeking both a coparenting specialist and a therapist. Finding professionals that can help you each work through your worries and fears will keep you in the best place to think, make compromises, and feel less guilt. This is a time to be as thoughtful as possible and to remember we are not our best selves when we are divorcing, even if it will make each of you happier humans in the end.
Consult with an attorney or mediator: Knowing your rights and financial situation will help answer questions about what you can afford to do. Can you afford two homes right now that are equitable? Can you keep the original home or will you need to downsize in some way? What will support look like and how does that impact decisions? Will someone have to go back to work? This doesn't mean you'll be making agreements just yet, but it will allow you to understand what you can afford and how to plan for moving out and what kind of living arrangement makes sense at this point.
Meet with a coparenting specialist to determine the schedule or a transition schedule: It's always best to ground kids of all ages when telling them news that will shake the foundation of what they've known their entire lives. When giving news that will create uncertainty - know as much as you possibly can. If you cannot agree on a schedule or a transition schedule, call a professional. Let us help you map it out. Some kids have special needs and that should be taken into consideration. Some kids, especially younger kiddos, need a transitional schedule, allowing them to adjust more slowly to having two homes. If you two can agree, then that's wonderful! Check that box off your list of things to think about!
Nesting v. Moving Out: Nesting and determining a schedule can buy you some time in choosing where the coparent moving out will live. It also eases a family into being newly separated, allowing everyone to adjust to the shifting responsibilities of who is now the parent on deck. It's a bit trickier, but definitely doable. To do it, however, ask yourself if you are okay allowing your coparent to truly be in charge of their days. It's one thing if kiddos approach us, but if we can't allow for parental autonomy in the presence of the other coparent - it's probably not for you.
If one is going to be moving out, tell the children about a month in advance and have your new home set up before the kids start transitioning. You do not want your children coming over to an empty house. You want them to learn to love their new second home as much as the original. You want their rooms set up, a place to eat and play/hang out! If both of you need to find new places, it's best if you can stagger the moves so not to disrupt their lives even more.
Yes. The kids will be okay, too.
Just give it time.
Who else should be told?
I typically ask parents to consider something I call a "Tier System" to determine who needs to know, how much they need to know, and by when. "Tier 1" might include close friends, family, school teachers or coaches.
"Tier 2" might include your child's social circle and the parents in those circles. Not everyone needs to know, but people who touch your children's lives are a second pair of eyes to help you see and understand how your children are fairing. In addition, it helps to get in front of any potential gossip and control the narrative. You do not want your child's life to be impacted by this as much as possible and you don't want anyone to take sides. So coming out together as newly separated helps ease everyone into it and mitigates their need to avoid inviting your children over because they feel awkward. And it goes without saying that you'll need a support group. The parents of your child's friends can be a great help when you need a break! Come up with as many tiers as you need and assign names to the tiers. This way, you and your coparent will have some visibility into who you are telling the agreed upon narrative to or your own narrative.
You're still a family, you just look different.
What's next?
After you've been able to organize and get some help to understand the logistics, and you've told the kids - now it's time to settle in and learn how to be a divorced family. Keep to the schedule and develop consistency. It'll be important to the children. Even if there's too much tension to have a monthly family dinner - you're still a family. Learn how to be separated and take in the new routine. Pay attention to what you need to be as solid through this time as possible. Ask for help. Keep your eye on the kiddos. How are they doing and adjusting? Check in on your kids and ask them open-ended questions about what they are thinking or how they are doing with the changes? Ask if they've told anyone. And remember to remind them everything is going to be okay.
There will be time to date and if you choose to do so now, there's no need to jump out there immediately. Take time to adjust, if possible. Your coparent doesn't need to know nor do your kids. Separation and divorce is the end of something, but it is also the beginning of something else. Now you, and you and your coparent can decide what kind of post-divorce lifestyle you want. You'll work on your MSA (marriage settlement agreement), develop a coparenting plan and structure, and heal. Find yourself again or reinvent yourself!! Take the long way home on a night when you don't have the kids. The first year is typically the hardest, but it all comes together as you find your groove again. Get support for anyone in the family who needs it. Learn to fight like business partners instead of a married couple. Consider the boundaries you need to heal and move forward. Make mindfulness your weapon of choice and work towards indifference if you have a tough ex. You are all going to be okay - especially if you manage the conflict levels.
Remember: Divorce isn't a failure.
But it could be one of your greatest successes.
How can I reach you?
I offer a one-time, complimentary, 30 min consultation & we can go from there!
And if you haven't already, take a look at my FAQ's. They can be very helpful as well!
Warmly,
Molly
Molly helped us think through how to tell our kids all the way to building a parenting plan that has stayed with us for years. We still meet with her
when things pop up and are grateful she knows our family,
my ex-husband's and my dynamic, and can still offer
a tremendous amount of containment for us when we need it.
Coparenting Client