All throughout the relationship advice space online, you’ll come across ‘boundaries’. Boundaries are crucial in all human relationships, including friends, colleagues, or partners. On one hand, they help you remain a sense of who you are. On the other, they stop people from taking advantage.

You may even find you don’t have boundaries at all (hello, people pleasers!).

And ironically, the only people who will get upset with you setting boundaries are those who benefitted when you didn’t have any.

Let that sink in.

Many people will suggest boundary-setting to get rid of narcissists.

One side effect of having boundaries is you become less attractive to narcissists. When you’re no longer available to shore up their self-esteem, your perceived value goes down. They’ll go elsewhere to seek their ‘fix’.

But what do you do if you already have a narcissist in your life? Will setting boundaries make any difference? Read on to find out why boundaries don’t always work - and what you can do instead.

Narcissists Don't Care About Boundaries

The first thing to remember about narcissists is they need to be in control and they also need to be right. Boundaries get in the way of both things. They can’t control the narrative if you’ve put a roadblock in their way.

When you set a boundary, they see it as you questioning what they’re doing. How dare you question them! They’re always right! And then they just bulldoze straight through the boundary like it was tissue paper.

Don’t even try to explain why you’re setting the boundary to them, either. Narcissists don’t care about your feelings. They genuinely aren’t interested in how much happier you’ll be with boundaries in place. They don’t want you to be happy. No, they just want you to keep supplying them with attention.

As a result, they only care if a boundary affects them and their access to you.

How Do Narcissists React To Boundaries?

Narcissists see boundaries as an attack on them, even if they’re not. For example, you might hate checking emails after 7 pm. Whenever you do, you get dragged into work-related stuff. So you set a boundary - no checking emails after 7 pm. 

A non-narcissist would be proud of you for putting yourself first. To a narcissist, you’re limiting their ability to contact you whenever they want. They will push back the moment you set the boundary.

In fact, you might get one, or all, of these reactions to boundaries.

Gaslighting

They use gaslighting to knock you off balance. You’ll question if you even need boundaries. Expect phrases like “You’re over-sensitive”. Or “This is another one of your personal development fads, isn’t it?” They’ll say whatever they can to belittle your decision. It erodes your boundaries until you let the narcissist do what they want.

Ignoring Them

Narcissists will often ignore boundaries altogether. They might steam-roller through them because they don’t recognise them as being valid. If they don’t ignore them, then expect them to test your boundaries. They’re looking for wiggle room or weaknesses they can exploit. Getting past your boundaries will become a game for them.

Emotional Abuse

Expect an emotional abuse campaign in response to your new boundaries. This is their way of acting out because you’re stopping them from treating you however they please.

Getting Defensive

This is where narcissists show how little they value you or your happiness. When they get defensive, they show you how much it bothers them they can’t behave as they please. Remember, a strong sense of entitlement often comes with narcissism. Strangely, a narcissist getting defensive shows you how little they care about you. It can help to clarify which people to remove from your life!

One problem with setting boundaries with narcissists is that it shows them what is important to you. This gives them valuable ammunition so they know exactly what to target next time they want to hurt you.

So if setting boundaries both angers and empowers a narcissist, what can you do?

1. Leave The Relationship

Leave the narcissist. I know it’s hard, which is why we wrote a guide about how to get narcissists to leave you alone.

But you need to accept that they will not change. They can’t change. You can’t love them enough to bring back the fake version of them you first met.

Let it go and leave. Go ‘no contact’ so you’re not wasting time trying to find out what they’re doing or saying about you. Don’t give them any routes back into your life. If you do, they’ll probably try hoovering to bring you back around... and then the abuse starts again.

Read our guide to getting your life back.

2. Set Boundaries For Yourself

Dealing with narcissists destroys your self-esteem and the ability to trust your judgment. If you’re bad at setting boundaries for yourself, this becomes even more problematic.

Let’s go back to the work emails example. You’ve set a boundary not to check emails after 7 pm. Then one day, a client asks you to check your emails and get back to them because it’s “urgent”. And it’s 7:30 pm.

You’d be well within your rights to say no. It’s outside of normal working hours. But you cross your own boundary and check your emails.

Do this too often and you train yourself that your boundaries don’t matter. Other people can cross them with ease because you don’t uphold them for yourself.

Start setting boundaries for yourself and keep them. You’ll be able to retrain yourself that your boundaries matter because YOU matter. Having healthy boundaries is a great deterrent for manipulative people.

3. Learn to Identify and Disarm Narcissists

Walking away from a narcissist and having boundaries will only get you so far. Being able to spot a narcissist - and turn them away - will save you from heartache and psychological trauma.

Please don’t think you can rely on intuition to see narcissists for what they are. Narcissists have left some of the most intuitive and intelligent people in pieces because they didn’t see the narcissist coming.

Narcissists are masters at bending and flexing to appear the way you want to see them.

Unless you know what to look for. Our Identify and Disarm Narcissists program will teach you exactly what to spot and what to do when you see it.

It’s based on the valuable research of Chase Hughes, a world leader in behavioural profiling. He helped us create this training to give you the skills you need to avoid these dangerous predators. You’ll never fall into the orbit of another narcissist, leaving you free to enjoy healthy relationships with the people in your life.

Click here to sign up for our Identify and Disarm Narcissists program. You deserve to live without the trauma of a narcissist in your life.