5 Things People Get Wrong When Healing From Past Relationships
It’s a sad fact that not all relationships will last. From incompatibility to infidelity, around 90% of relationships will end in a breakup. That’s before we bring the COVID-19 pandemic into the equation. One British law firm noticed an increase in divorce enquiries of 122% between July and October 2020. That trend seems only likely to continue into 2021.
But how good are you at getting over past relationships? We’ve talked before about why it’s so important to heal from past relationships before you move on to a new one. But do you actually know how to heal? Very few people do because it’s something we’re not taught when we’re young.
So read on to discover the 5 things people do wrong when they’re healing from past relationships. See which ones sound familiar!
1) Go Looking for Ego Boosts
No one enjoys the end of a relationship, even if you were the one who initiated it. You’ll still feel hurt and disappointed when the relationship ends. After all, you have to untangle a life you’d started to share with another person.
Both parties can suffer from a wounded ego, especially the person who was dumped. They can wonder what they might have done differently. Are they not attractive enough? Did the other person meet someone new/better? If they’re always the dumpee, they can begin to question if there’s something wrong with them.
All these questions lead to one thing—looking for an ego boost.
This can look like hopping onto dating apps within days of a breakup. It might see you start dating people from your friendship group. You could start talking to previous dates, even if you weren’t interested in them before.
These strategies might give you a temporary ego boost. They mask how you feel, but they don’t move you towards healing. You’re hiding from the pain instead of dealing with it. None of this will end well, especially if you end up dating someone you don’t like. Then you need to break up with them, passing on the pain to someone who didn’t deserve it.
2) Not Evaluating Past Relationships
There will be times when you know why the relationship ended and you know it was for the best. You might even remain friends with your ex, stepping into new relationships with confidence.
But that’s not how it works for most people. Whether we ended things or not, we often avoid thinking about past relationships. It’s understandable—they brought us pain, so we don’t want to go looking for that.
Yet when we fail to evaluate a past relationship, we lose the opportunity to learn from it. For example, one of our clients came to us feeling terrible that she’d had a string of failed relationships. Thinking about them made her feel worthless, and she kept wondering what it was that she was doing wrong.
We worked through this with her, helping her to evaluate each relationship. When she could see them in a more objective way, about whether they met her needs, her approach changed. She could see she would never have been compatible with these people. That gave her much better insights into what she should look for in her next relationship.
If you don’t evaluate your past relationships and look for the lessons they contain? You’ll keep repeating them until you learn those lessons.
3) Think They're Healed When They're Not
This leads us to our next mistake. Now, this isn’t the same as looking for ego boosts. This stage can happen after a longer period of time when you think you’ve dealt with the breakup. That false confidence can lead you to hop into a new relationship or start dating when you’re not ready.
And what happens?
Often, more of the same. The person hasn’t fully healed so their triggers keep causing problems. Or they end up with the same type of person and have another similar relationship.
The cliche “time heals all wounds” doesn’t apply to relationships. The healing process also takes effort. This is why it’s so important to get support when you’re healing. You need that backup while you process what’s happened and release any residual pain. As a bonus, your support person can help you see how far you’ve come. Our clients are often surprised to hear they’ve progressed. They don’t feel they have, but it’s so obvious to a third person!
Check out the difference between coaching and counselling when it comes to relationships.
4) Make Other People Responsible for Their Happiness
Don’t worry, I’m not going to repeat the usual “you need to love yourself first” nonsense that many people tout. That’s a harmful perspective that shames single people for wanting a relationship. We’re a social species designed to live in groups. Wanting a meaningful, emotional connection with another person is completely natural.
But I am going to remind you that the only person responsible for your happiness is you. If you feel like you can’t be happy because your relationship ended, then you’re going to struggle to heal. Likewise, if it’s difficult to feel happy since you’re single. That again puts the onus back onto a partner to make you happy.
Yes, your partner is a huge contributor to your happiness. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you’re going to find it almost impossible to be happy! But if you don’t feel happiness is possible without a partner, then you end up staying in miserable situations.
Having this approach also means that dating becomes so difficult. You'll take every rejection personally when you make other people responsible for your happiness. That’s no way to begin a healthy, new relationship. Instead, treat people as individuals who you could work with to create a happy relationship. That's better than expecting them to make you happy on their own.
5) Mistake Reading Books for Doing the Work
There’s a term for the tendency to buy self-help books that you never really read: ‘shelf help’. I also think we can apply this to books we read but don’t use. It doesn’t matter how many books you read, webinars you watch, or podcast episodes you listen to. If you don’t put the principles into practice, you’ll never get the healing process underway.
So choose a book or a webinar. Make notes while you’re reading or watching. Journal on the things you learn or do any exercises you find in the books. Consider keeping a dedicated healing journal and write it in every day. Get thoughts out of your head and onto paper so they can’t keep running on a loop throughout your day.
Or, as we suggested with #3, work with a coach. They’ll guide you through the process with prompts, discussion points, feedback, and support. You can’t avoid doing the work when someone sets it for you before the next session!
You Don't Need to Get Things Wrong When Healing from Past Relationships
If you feel you’ve made these mistakes, don’t panic! Everyone does! We’re never taught how to heal or move on. Most people are left to get on with it or they model their healing process on a parent or sibling.
The good news is that you can learn how to heal properly so you can move on and enjoy the kind of love you deserve. All you need is the best knowledge and the right support. You’ll enjoy both when you work with Love with Intelligence. We’ll help you unpack any old trauma, heal your wounds, and build up your self-worth, ready to take on the world.
Are you ready to start healing from past relationships? Do you want to step into a bright future and find undeniable love that lasts? Book a free Love Blueprint consultation with us now.
