There’s more to finding love than throwing up a Tinder profile and meeting whoever matches with you. Or locking eyes with someone in a crowded room and feeling like time has stopped. No, for the most success, you need to meet someone who is on your level.
But it’s not that easy.
Have you ever broken up with a partner and just felt utterly lost? Did it feel like you couldn’t remember what you did for fun before the relationship? Or do you find it difficult to make decisions without consulting someone else first?
This is what it can feel like to lose yourself in a relationship.
You stop being a whole person in a partnership with another whole person. Instead, you become the literal ‘other half’. But what happens when your other half is no longer there?
The term ‘narcissist’ gets used a lot as more people notice narcissistic tendencies. Look at the celebrities and world leaders often described as narcissists.
The word ‘narcissist’ comes from the medical term for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD is rare, and experts believe it affects less than 1% of the population.
Being cheated on, lied to, manipulated, or betrayed is a very sensitive topic. Unfortunately, in relationships, these elements have harmed or hurt many people. According to some research, 75% of men and 68% of women admitted to cheating in previous relationships.
Yet there aren’t many resources available to help you heal from betrayal. This is a problem, since it can damage so many relationships.
So you’ve repeated all these terrible relationships. You’ve had plenty of breakups, you’ve been lied to and used, and you’re tired of it.
You just want to meet a compatible partner and settle down. Is it really that difficult?
It’s obvious that time isn’t a healer and we’ve all heard the toxic advice, like in order to get over someone you need to get under someone… so what’s the actual truth about healing?
If you haven't healed, you won’t feel safe, secure, and at peace with anyone. You won't be able to feel loved, even if you are. And you won't be able to love others in a healthy way. You need them to love you, rather than wanting to love them.
How many people do you know who come out of a relationship and go straight into dating? Are you maybe one of them? For some, a yearning for love caused this kind of behaviour and it’s often driven by desperation.
But here’s the thing. Love is ultimately internal, not something you can ‘get’ externally. You deserve better than scraping around for the scraps of love someone might throw in your direction.
If you’ve just been through a breakup, or you’ve been single for a while, one question might lurk at the back of your mind. You almost don’t want to ask it, afraid of the answer you might get. But you think it all the same. Is it my fault that I’m single?
It almost feels like a natural question to ask. Advertising has bombarded us for years with messages that there’s something wrong with us—something we can only fix if we buy their product. So it’s tempting to think you might be to blame for your single status.
It’s sometimes hard to admit but what we share on social media is rarely the whole truth of what our lives are like. Some people even say “I wish I had the life that I had on Facebook”. The majority of people just want to share the ‘highlight reel’ of their life. As a result, it’s become easier for singles to fall in love with a partner’s potential, rather than the truth.
Why is this a problem? The type of partner you pick is going to influence everything in your life—so you need to get it right!
If you’ve spent any time on dating websites, you’ll know how quickly dating fatigue can set in. It’s easy to get sick of the Tinder Treadmill, wondering if you’ll ever find an emotionally available partner!
Yes, self-aware and emotionally available people exist on online dating… but they're hard to find.
Once dating fatigue sets in, people can often decide to be single rather than in a bad relationship.
Have you ever been eager to get out there and go on as many dates as possible…only to be left feeling exhausted, depleted and down? All because you’re not able to meet someone you feel genuinely excited about?
This is what happens when you are not ready to date.
People are too keen to date while they’re going through the process of getting ready.
Do you know why over 50% of marriages end in divorce and what to do about it?
Let me tell you about a wonderful lady who I worked with. She had married her childhood sweetheart and she was going through a divorce after 26 years of marriage and she was supporting herself and her two teenage boys through the divorce whilst dealing with a crazy amount of heartache.
You’ve met someone new. Things seem to be going well. You’re enjoying your dates, it’s all going in the right direction…but are they the right one?
It’s a common question asked of dating coaches, and with good reason. You don't want to waste your time on the wrong one. After all, not everyone is ready for a relationship and not everyone is compatible.
You likely already know this.
One of the surprise hits of 2022 has been The Tinder Swindler, an original Netflix documentary released on 2 February. Netflix viewers have racked up over 45 million hours watching the story of a dating fraudster who conned women out of millions of dollars.
Shimon Hayut posed on Tinder as Simon Leviev, son of a diamond mogul. He lavished expensive dates and attention on his victims before coming up with sob stories that convinced them to empty their bank accounts and take out loans for his benefit.
There’s a good reason so many songs have been written about the pain of heartbreak. Breakups can lead to you feeling like you’re not good enough. They can make it hard for you to trust again, especially if you didn’t see the breakup coming.
You’ve got to get used to being alone again and say goodbye to those future plans you had.
Sometimes, it can be so painful that we can’t let ourselves dream about how it could be. We could be able to release the past and enjoy a new relationship. We could release blame, shame and guilt. We could let ourselves be loved.
February is almost over and for many people, their New Year resolutions are distant memories. If you set a resolution to meet a new partner on January 1 and you’re nowhere near achieving that by now, it might feel a bit uncomfortable.
The good news is that it doesn’t actually need to be that difficult. It’s not going to be as simple as just opening Tinder and hoping for the best. After watching The Tinder Swindler on Netflix, you might not even want to use Tinder!
Many people predict online dating to be the future of dating, but 54% of people don't like dating apps or websites. These platforms can be a great way to meet new people you might not otherwise meet. But they can also be a time drain and sap your confidence.
So can you still date organically? The answer is a resounding ‘yes’!
COVID-19 restrictions are still in place in many areas. Not all these options will be available at the moment. But you can still try the virtual alternatives for now. Many groups host Zoom meetings so you can ‘meet’ people without the nerves of meeting people in person.
Here in the UK, we’re already moving through the slow easing of lockdown restrictions. Right now, we can meet friends outside, enjoy a pint in a pub beer garden, and pop to the shops.
Combine that with the changing seasons, and you might be starting to think about dating again. While many leisure venues are still closed, it’s possible you want to get ready to date online.
We’ve already pitted different types of dating against one another. Click here to read our guide to their pros and cons. Obviously, several of these types of dating won’t be happening for a while, like speed dating.
If you’ve spent any time on dating apps, you’ll have heard the phrase “I don’t know what I’m looking for yet.” It might have been followed up with “But I’ll know it when I see it.” It’s infuriating, and it’s a great sign you won’t have a healthy relationship with that person.
Why? It’s code for “I’m hedging my bets.” The person hasn’t put any thought into the future. They don't know their own needs, what kind of relationship they want, or if they even want a relationship. They’re basically happy with whatever comes along. That makes it unlikely they’re ready for a healthy relationship because they don’t know what one looks like.
It’s a sad fact that not all relationships will last. From incompatibility to infidelity, around 90% of relationships will end in a breakup. That’s before we bring the COVID-19 pandemic into the equation. One British law firm noticed an increase in divorce enquiries of 122% between July and October 2020. That trend seems only likely to continue into 2021.
But how good are you at getting over past relationships? We’ve talked before about why it’s so important to heal from past relationships before you move on to a new one. But do you actually know how to heal? Very few people do because it’s something we’re not taught when we’re young.
We hear the word ‘trust’ a lot in ordinary conversion. People don’t trust advertising, what they read in the newspapers, or what they hear on television. Other people don’t trust science while others only trust people who agree with them.
Humans are a social species. We need to trust each other for our group to function. Look at your daily life for evidence. You trust that driver will stop for a red light. Or you trust that your hairdresser knows what they’re doing.
Trust is also a fundamental part of a healthy and committed relationship.
In a poll by eHarmony.co.uk, 29% of single British adults have given up on trying to find love. So if you can think of four single friends, chances are, one of them has decided it’s not for them. I’m guessing it’s not you because you’re here. You know you can learn how to find the right one.
But with COVID-19 restrictions beginning to lift, you may be beginning to ask, “Will I ever find love?” The short answer is ‘yes’, but you may be wondering how. Check out our seven latest tips for love that lasts!
Hang around the dating world long enough and I guarantee you will run into the Law of Attraction. If you haven't run into it? In a nutshell, it runs on the idea that 'like attracts like'. In order to bring (or attract) the things you want into your life, you have to put yourself into the same energetic frequency (or vibration) as those things you want.
So if you're in a "high vibration", you'll attract awesome things. If you're in a "low vibration", you won't. In fact, you’ll attract things you don’t want.
Let's walk that through to its logical conclusion, shall we?
As humans, we will always have things we want. It might be an ideal job, a fitness goal, a dream holiday, or a 'perfect home'.
We can do as much as possible to work towards this. Sometimes, we'll get there, and it's as awesome as we hoped. Other times, we get in our way. We call this 'self-sabotage' because in this moment, we're our own worst enemy.
We self-sabotage thanks to biology. In short, our brain can't always tell the difference between its 'feel-good' signals.
The average life span of a relationship is two years. That makes breakups difficult to deal with, as you turn a shared life into two separate ones.
Adding narcissism into the mix makes an already painful experience even more traumatic. If you’ve gone through a narcissistic relationship, you might wonder if it’s even possible to heal from one.
You might even vow not to, so you won’t ever feel that pain again.
It’s fair to say COVID-19 has thrown us a curveball when it comes to dating. But the main thing it’s disrupted is the ‘meeting people’ part. The importance of forming meaningful connections hasn’t changed. If anything, we’ve come to understand exactly how important they are!
After the strange year we had in 2020, you might hope 2021 is the year when you graduate from being single to being in a secure, loving relationship. It’s absolutely possible! But sadly, many relationships reach their expiry date after three months.
We've spent the last few weeks looking at how COVID-19 has changed dating. People spend longer talking to potential dates before meeting for a video date. They're getting to know people better before moving to the next stage of dating. It's slowing the process down. This can only be a good thing, given how 'swipe-happy' the apps encourage people to be.
That said, dating is still difficult to do on a practical level. Meeting in person comes with a whole range of restrictions thanks to lockdown. Let's face it—going for a walk might be fine in July, but it's less appealing in the depths of February!
If there’s one thing we’ve learned during the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s the importance of connection. That includes maintaining strong connections with our loved ones, but also forging new connections with partners. But it doesn’t always feel like an easy task, especially when things get stressful.
Let’s face it, our lives are complicated things. You’re balancing a job, a social life, maybe kids, and possibly study. Add the neverending ‘to do’ list to the mix, and your love life can sometimes take a hit.
Last week, we looked at how COVID-19 has changed dating. We explored the different ways singles have had to adapt to meet new people. Check it out to see what our prognosis was for dating as we move forwards.
But COVID-19 hasn’t just affected singletons wanting to date. It’s had a major impact on those in relationships—both new and established couples. Newer couples struggled to overcome distance and the physical separation of lockdown. Cohabiting couples faced the sudden pressure of being around each other 24/7.
It’s hard to believe that it was around this time last year that the province of Wuhan in China was first in lockdown. We all remember reading about this strange COVID-19 and not being sure what would happen next. I don’t think anyone predicted where we would be twelve months later—or the way we’d feel about COVID-19 and dating.
Back in May 2020, we even talked about whether you should list your COVID-19 status on your dating profile. Here we are, back in a third lockdown (in the UK, at least). And you might wonder if you even can date during a pandemic.
A study by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld showed people are more likely to find a relationship through online dating. It’s more successful than meeting through family or friends.
It also doesn’t make it easy to meet someone through online dating. You’ve got people who treat Tinder like a game, collecting matches the way they’d collect Pokemon. Then you’ve got those who are already in relationships but use online dating for an ego boost. Building a connection with someone you’ve never met feels like an uphill battle.
One of the hardest parts of dating and relationships comes down to trust. It’s why it’s so hard to be vulnerable with someone new. We want to be sure we’re investing in the right person, but we need to trust that they won’t hurt us.
Trust is also essential to having a healthy and happy relationship. Without trust, you might still have fun together. But you can’t create the committed partnership you want deep down. At its core, trust is a mutual promise you make that you won’t hurt each other.
It’s also the part where you’re most likely to get stuck. Struggling to turn a dating situation into a relationship?
Research shows that around 60% of people make New Year's resolutions, but only 8% achieve them. That's a poor conversion rate, and much of it is down to the fact that we set resolutions we can't keep.
Look at exercise. People claim they're going to go to the gym 5 days a week. Then they go twice, get distracted by reality, and the resolution bites the dust.
The trick is to make sure your resolutions are realistic. Don't put pressure on yourself and then feel bad that you haven't hit your goals.
You battled through the tedious swiping. It went from “hey how are you?” to an actual date. One date turned into two, then three. Now you’re ‘dating’ someone...but you’re not convinced he isn’t wasting your time. Many relationships reach their expiry date after three months. How can you be sure this isn’t one of them?
We’ve talked before about looking for signs that your date is interested, and not just wasting your time. It’s a great primer on body language and verbal cues that give you more information than what he says.
Hollywood makes it look so easy. If life were like the movies, you’d be wondering if you’d ever meet the right one, when you’d get a call from your best friend. They just found out that an eligible guy in their social circle is single and looking. Even better, it turns out you have heaps in common and it convinces your friend you’d be a brilliant match. Do you want an introduction?
Trouble is, that’s the dream, but rarely the reality. At best, your friend might let you know about a guy she vaguely knows from work. At worst, you spend your free evenings (and you have a lot of them) swiping through Tinder's rogue’s gallery.
We’ve all done it. A relationship we thought was going well suddenly falls over a cliff. The promising guy we’ve been seeing suddenly ghosts us. Or a short term fling becomes a short term flung as we’re cast aside. Then the first thing we do is jump straight back onto Tinder.
I know there’s an old adage about getting over someone by getting under someone else. But it’s not great advice. You think it’s easier to forget the relationship that ended if you’re focused on someone new.
If you’re here, I’m guessing you’ve spent some time on your own—and you don’t want to be. You’ve probably tried a range of strategies. Maybe you tried dipping your toe into the strange waters of online dating. You wouldn’t be the only one—Match's parent company reported a rise of 15% in new users during 2020. Or maybe you took the plunge and went speed dating. Perhaps you’ve asked friends to set you up with people. You’ve read the guides with titles like “how to get the guy” and you’re uneasy with their people-pleasing tactics.
We've talked before about how empaths end up with narcissists. But there's another personality type that's easy prey for a narcissist—the codependent.
Some people describe codependents as putting others' needs before their own. That's not strictly true, because that makes it sound like they're some kind of selfless saint. Codependents do focus on meeting everyone else's needs...but not out of altruism.
Here at Love With Intelligence, we're on a mission. We want to get you up to speed on the dirty tactics narcissists use to make your life a misery. We've described love bombing, the 'too good to be true' early days of a relationship. They con you into thinking this is your forever love. Right before it turns into a living hell.
We've also touched on gaslighting. This is an insidious type of manipulation designed to make you question your grip on reality.
Every now and then, a new theory or idea sweeps through the dating world. They're often quite damaging and lead people to stay in toxic relationships. Look at the idea of the 'twin flame'. It's often used to encourage people to tolerate abusive behaviour. Another dangerous theory is that you can cure a narcissist.
There's no easy way to say this but there is no cure for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
People use the word ‘narcissism’ a lot these days. Sometimes it’s applied to people who are full of themselves. These people are narcissistic, rather than narcissists.
After all, true narcissism is rare. Only 0.5-1% of the population has an official narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) diagnosis.
We've all felt pressured, as if another person is trying to control us. It could be the marketer on the sales call who tells us that if we were serious about our business, then we'd buy their expensive software solution. Or the salesperson in a shop who turns to our friend, smiles, and asks them if we're always so indecisive?
It's annoying, and it’s designed to manipulate us. We’ll make a decision when we’re not sure, just to prove them wrong. In these cases, we can walk away. We can tell the salesperson thanks, but no thanks.
It used to be your height, your job, or your ‘fondness for nights out and also nights in’ that was important on your dating profile. Now, apparently, it’s your COVID-19 status.
Believe it or not, there has been an uptick in people sharing their status on their profiles. With wider access to coronavirus tests now available, you can see why.
t's a sad fact of life that we'll all experience pain at some point. We'll lose a beloved family member or pet. Job losses and divorce rates mean people undergo life changes they may not be prepared for.
When these things happen, we might go and see a counsellor. You can access them privately, or sometimes through your health care provider.
There's nothing wrong with that.
With the easing of lockdown restrictions across the world, people are turning back to online dating. Depending on where in the world you are, you can visit bars and restaurants again.
Even if the pubs aren't open near you, you may be thinking about swiping again. You'll hopefully have several guys to choose from when the high street fully re-opens.
So how do you improve your chances?
At some point in the last few years, self-care became synonymous with bubble baths and scented candles. It gives plenty of opportunities for arty snaps for Instagram, as if self-care is something we do for the benefit of others, and not ourselves.
Except the clue is, quite literally, in the name.
Self-care is literally whatever you do to provide emotional or physical care to yourself.
It looks so easy in romantic comedies, doesn't it? Bump into your ideal guy 'by accident'. Have a few 'hilarious' setbacks that show him how cute and lovable you are. Then get together at the grand finale.
Meanwhile, you're sat at home, scrolling through profiles on Tinder that look more like Crimewatch mug shots. Or you're trapped in a corner at your friend's wedding, painfully aware you're the only single person in the room.
The 'finding people' part is hard enough.
Stop me if you've heard this one. A girl gets a message from a guy on Tinder. They have a fun exchange and the messages move to WhatsApp. The conversation keeps up, but messages aren't as frequent as before.
Messages get further and further apart. 'Likes' replace flirty Instagram comments on her posts. The girl has been here before. She can tell when someone is losing interest.
After a few days of silence, a message lands on WhatsApp. The conversation starts up again.
You've met a new partner. After a couple of weeks, he's told you he thinks you're his soulmate (or worse - his Twin Flame). He's so glad he's finally found you after all this searching. No one can compare to you.
You're thrilled - this is it! You've finally done it! All those boring dates, dead-end conversations, and times you were ghosted paid off.
Many people predict online dating to be the future of dating, but 54% of people don't like dating apps or websites. These platforms can be a great way to meet new people you might not otherwise meet. But they can also be a time drain and sap your confidence.
So can you still date organically? The answer is a resounding ‘yes’!
COVID-19 restrictions are still in place in many areas. Not all these options will be available at the moment. But you can still try the virtual alternatives for now. Many groups host Zoom meetings so you can ‘meet’ people without the nerves of meeting people in person.
Here in the UK, we’re already moving through the slow easing of lockdown restrictions. Right now, we can meet friends outside, enjoy a pint in a pub beer garden, and pop to the shops.
Combine that with the changing seasons, and you might be starting to think about dating again. While many leisure venues are still closed, it’s possible you want to get ready to date online.
If you’ve spent any time on dating apps, you’ll have heard the phrase “I don’t know what I’m looking for yet.” It might have been followed up with “But I’ll know it when I see it.” It’s infuriating, and it’s a great sign you won’t have a healthy relationship with that person.
Why? It’s code for “I’m hedging my bets.” The person hasn’t put any thought into the future. They don't know their own needs, what kind of relationship they want, or if they even want a relationship. They’re basically happy with whatever comes along. That makes it unlikely they’re ready for a healthy relationship because they don’t know what one looks like.
It’s a sad fact that not all relationships will last. From incompatibility to infidelity, around 90% of relationships will end in a breakup. That’s before we bring the COVID-19 pandemic into the equation. One British law firm noticed an increase in divorce enquiries of 122% between July and October 2020. That trend seems only likely to continue into 2021.
But how good are you at getting over past relationships? We’ve talked before about why it’s so important to heal from past relationships before you move on to a new one. But do you actually know how to heal? Very few people do because it’s something we’re not taught when we’re young.
We hear the word ‘trust’ a lot in ordinary conversion. People don’t trust advertising, what they read in the newspapers, or what they hear on television. Other people don’t trust science while others only trust people who agree with them.
Humans are a social species. We need to trust each other for our group to function. Look at your daily life for evidence. You trust that driver will stop for a red light. Or you trust that your hairdresser knows what they’re doing.
In a poll by eHarmony.co.uk, 29% of single British adults have given up on trying to find love. So if you can think of four single friends, chances are, one of them has decided it’s not for them. I’m guessing it’s not you because you’re here. You know you can learn how to find the right one.
But with COVID-19 restrictions beginning to lift, you may be beginning to ask, “Will I ever find love?” The short answer is ‘yes’, but you may be wondering how. Check out our seven latest tips for love that lasts!
Hang around the dating world long enough and I guarantee you will run into the Law of Attraction. If you haven't run into it? In a nutshell, it runs on the idea that 'like attracts like'. In order to bring (or attract) the things you want into your life, you have to put yourself into the same energetic frequency (or vibration) as those things you want.
So if you're in a "high vibration", you'll attract awesome things. If you're in a "low vibration", you won't. In fact, you’ll attract things you don’t want.
Let's walk that through to its logical conclusion, shall we? If everything in your reality is a reflection of your thoughts, then anything negative, no matter how horrific, becomes something you brought into your life.
As humans, we will always have things we want. It might be an ideal job, a fitness goal, a dream holiday, or a 'perfect home'.
We can do as much as possible to work towards this. Sometimes, we'll get there, and it's as awesome as we hoped. Other times, we get in our way. We call this 'self-sabotage' because in this moment, we're our own worst enemy.
We self-sabotage thanks to biology. In short, our brain can't always tell the difference between its 'feel-good' signals. We get one signal for working towards a goal, and a different signal when we avoid a threat. The brain is designed to respond to these 'good' signals, so we can end up responding to the wrong ones.
The average life span of a relationship is two years. That makes breakups difficult to deal with, as you turn a shared life into two separate ones.
Adding narcissism into the mix makes an already painful experience even more traumatic. If you’ve gone through a narcissistic relationship, you might wonder if it’s even possible to heal from one.
You might even vow not to, so you won’t ever feel that pain again.
It’s fair to say COVID-19 has thrown us a curveball when it comes to dating. But the main thing it’s disrupted is the ‘meeting people’ part. The importance of forming meaningful connections hasn’t changed. If anything, we’ve come to understand exactly how important they are!
After the strange year we had in 2020, you might hope 2021 is the year when you graduate from being single to being in a secure, loving relationship. It’s absolutely possible! But sadly, many relationships reach their expiry date after three months. That’s because those couples weren’t the right fit. If you want a relationship that lasts, then you need to be more mindful about your approach.
We've spent the last few weeks looking at how COVID-19 has changed dating. People spend longer talking to potential dates before meeting for a video date. They're getting to know people better before moving to the next stage of dating. It's slowing the process down. This can only be a good thing, given how 'swipe-happy' the apps encourage people to be.
That said, dating is still difficult to do on a practical level. Meeting in person comes with a whole range of restrictions thanks to lockdown. Let's face it—going for a walk might be fine in July, but it's less appealing in the depths of February!
If there’s one thing we’ve learned during the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s the importance of connection. That includes maintaining strong connections with our loved ones, but also forging new connections with partners. But it doesn’t always feel like an easy task, especially when things get stressful.
Let’s face it, our lives are complicated things. You’re balancing a job, a social life, maybe kids, and possibly study. Add the neverending ‘to do’ list to the mix, and your love life can sometimes take a hit.
Last week, we looked at how COVID-19 has changed dating. We explored the different ways singles have had to adapt to meet new people. Check it out to see what our prognosis was for dating as we move forwards.
But COVID-19 hasn’t just affected singletons wanting to date. It’s had a major impact on those in relationships—both new and established couples. Newer couples struggled to overcome distance and the physical separation of lockdown. Cohabiting couples faced the sudden pressure of being around each other 24/7.
It’s hard to believe that it was around this time last year that the province of Wuhan in China was first in lockdown. We all remember reading about this strange COVID-19 and not being sure what would happen next. I don’t think anyone predicted where we would be twelve months later—or the way we’d feel about COVID-19 and dating.
Back in May 2020, we even talked about whether you should list your COVID-19 status on your dating profile. Here we are, back in a third lockdown (in the UK, at least). And you might wonder if you even can date during a pandemic.
A study by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld showed people are more likely to find a relationship through online dating. It’s more successful than meeting through family or friends.
It also doesn’t make it easy to meet someone through online dating. You’ve got people who treat Tinder like a game, collecting matches the way they’d collect Pokemon. Then you’ve got those who are already in relationships but use online dating for an ego boost. Building a connection with someone you’ve never met feels like an uphill battle.
One of the hardest parts of dating and relationships comes down to trust. It’s why it’s so hard to be vulnerable with someone new. We want to be sure we’re investing in the right person, but we need to trust that they won’t hurt us.
Trust is also essential to having a healthy and happy relationship. Without trust, you might still have fun together. But you can’t create the committed partnership you want deep down. At its core, trust is a mutual promise you make that you won’t hurt each other.
Research shows that around 60% of people make New Year's resolutions, but only 8% achieve them. That's a poor conversion rate, and much of it is down to the fact that we set resolutions we can't keep.
Look at exercise. People claim they're going to go to the gym 5 days a week. Then they go twice, get distracted by reality, and the resolution bites the dust.
The trick is to make sure your resolutions are realistic. Don't put pressure on yourself and then feel bad that you haven't hit your goals.
You battled through the tedious swiping. It went from “hey how are you?” to an actual date. One date turned into two, then three. Now you’re ‘dating’ someone...but you’re not convinced he isn’t wasting your time. Many relationships reach their expiry date after three months. How can you be sure this isn’t one of them?
We’ve talked before about looking for signs that your date is interested, and not just wasting your time. It’s a great primer on body language and verbal cues that give you more information than what he says.
Hollywood makes it look so easy. If life were like the movies, you’d be wondering if you’d ever meet the right one, when you’d get a call from your best friend. They just found out that an eligible guy in their social circle is single and looking. Even better, it turns out you have heaps in common and it convinces your friend you’d be a brilliant match. Do you want an introduction?
Trouble is, that’s the dream, but rarely the reality. At best, your friend might let you know about a guy she vaguely knows from work. At worst, you spend your free evenings (and you have a lot of them) swiping through Tinder's rogue’s gallery.
We’ve all done it. A relationship we thought was going well suddenly falls over a cliff. The promising guy we’ve been seeing suddenly ghosts us. Or a short term fling becomes a short term flung as we’re cast aside. Then the first thing we do is jump straight back onto Tinder.
I know there’s an old adage about getting over someone by getting under someone else. But it’s not great advice. You think it’s easier to forget the relationship that ended if you’re focused on someone new. Or that the self-esteem boost from flirting can ease the pain from the old relationship. Trouble is, you’re storing up problems for the future.
If you’re here, I’m guessing you’ve spent some time on your own—and you don’t want to be. You’ve probably tried a range of strategies. Maybe you tried dipping your toe into the strange waters of online dating. You wouldn’t be the only one—Match's parent company reported a rise of 15% in new users during 2020. Or maybe you took the plunge and went speed dating. Perhaps you’ve asked friends to set you up with people. You’ve read the guides with titles like “how to get the guy” and you’re uneasy with their people-pleasing tactics.
Every now and then, a new theory or idea sweeps through the dating world. They're often quite damaging and lead people to stay in toxic relationships. Look at the idea of the 'twin flame'. It's often used to encourage people to tolerate abusive behaviour. Another dangerous theory is that you can cure a narcissist.
There's no easy way to say this but there is no cure for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Like any personality disorder, a sufferer can learn to manage it. (Though you'll struggle to get a narcissist to identify as a 'sufferer'). But no, NPD can't be cured.
Here at Love With Intelligence, we're on a mission. We want to get you up to speed on the dirty tactics narcissists use to make your life a misery. We've described love bombing, the 'too good to be true' early days of a relationship. They con you into thinking this is your forever love. Right before it turns into a living hell.
We've also touched on gaslighting. This is an insidious type of manipulation designed to make you question your grip on reality.
Every now and then, a new theory or idea sweeps through the dating world. They're often quite damaging and lead people to stay in toxic relationships. Look at the idea of the 'twin flame'. It's often used to encourage people to tolerate abusive behaviour. Another dangerous theory is that you can cure a narcissist.
There's no easy way to say this but there is no cure for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Like any personality disorder, a sufferer can learn to manage it. (Though you'll struggle to get a narcissist to identify as a 'sufferer'). But no, NPD can't be cured.
People use the word ‘narcissism’ a lot these days. Sometimes it’s applied to people who are full of themselves. These people are narcissistic, rather than narcissists.
After all, true narcissism is rare. Only 0.5-1% of the population has an official narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) diagnosis.
But they're just the ones who've been diagnosed. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, so some narcissists display fewer traits than others.
We've all felt pressured, as if another person is trying to control us. It could be the marketer on the sales call who tells us that if we were serious about our business, then we'd buy their expensive software solution. Or the salesperson in a shop who turns to our friend, smiles, and asks them if we're always so indecisive?
With the easing of lockdown restrictions across the world, people are turning back to online dating. Depending on where in the world you are, you can visit bars and restaurants again.
Even if the pubs aren't open near you, you may be thinking about swiping again. You'll hopefully have several guys to choose from when the high street fully re-opens.
It used to be your height, your job, or your ‘fondness for nights out and also nights in’ that was important on your dating profile. Now, apparently, it’s your COVID-19 status.
Believe it or not, there has been an uptick in people sharing their status on their profiles. With wider access to coronavirus tests now available, you can see why.
It's a sad fact of life that we'll all experience pain at some point. We'll lose a beloved family member or pet. Job losses and divorce rates mean people undergo life changes they may not be prepared for.
When these things happen, we might go and see a counsellor. You can access them privately, or sometimes through your health care provider.
At some point in the last few years, self-care became synonymous with bubble baths and scented candles. It gives plenty of opportunities for arty snaps for Instagram, as if self-care is something we do for the benefit of others, and not ourselves.
Except the clue is, quite literally, in the name.
You learn a lot of things at school that never seem relevant when you become an adult. I can count on one hand the number of times I've solved a problem using Shakespeare. And quadratic equations? Nope. No idea why I need those.
There is one thing which has come up that I did learn...but it's being applied in completely the wrong way. And it rarely ends well.
It looks so easy in romantic comedies, doesn't it? Bump into your ideal guy 'by accident'. Have a few 'hilarious' setbacks that show him how cute and lovable you are. Then get together at the grand finale.
Meanwhile, you're sat at home, scrolling through profiles on Tinder that look more like Crimewatch mug shots. Or you're trapped in a corner at your friend's wedding, painfully aware you're the only single person in the room.
Stop me if you've heard this one. A girl gets a message from a guy on Tinder. They have a fun exchange and the messages move to WhatsApp. The conversation keeps up, but messages aren't as frequent as before.
Messages get further and further apart. 'Likes' replace flirty Instagram comments on her posts. The girl has been here before. She can tell when someone is losing interest.
Dating can be fun and exciting. It can also be confusing and downright hard. On one hand, you have the perils of online dating. On the other hand, you have the difficulties of in-person dating during a global pandemic.
You're constantly navigating a path between what you need and what you want. Whether you get either of those things can depend on who is even available.
One of the most popular topics on websites about dating is the dating checklist. It’s sometimes also known as a love list. You likely already have one.
It’s the traits, qualities, and lifestyle habits you’d like to find in a partner. This becomes the yardstick by which you measure potential relationships.
No one likes to be lied to. It undermines your self-worth and insults your intelligence. In relationships and dating, the stakes around truth and honesty are even higher.
But how can you tell if a person is telling you the truth?
COVID-19 has changed a lot of things about how we live our lives. It's had a tremendous impact on dating, driving many singletons online. It's still difficult, if not impossible, to meet strangers at social events.
Some daters are still choosing video calls for the first few dates. Others are opting for socially distanced dates, like having coffee in the park. Either option is fine if it's the right thing for you.
Boundaries are crucial in all human relationships. On one hand, they help you remain a sense of who you are. On the other, they stop people from taking advantage.
You may even find you don’t have boundaries at all (hello, people pleasers!).
When you think of a healthy or successful relationship, which couples do you picture? Barack and Michelle Obama? Gomez and Morticia Addams? Richard and Judy?
It’s easy to wonder what their secret is. Do you need a magical formula to have a successful relationship? The Beatles thought that ‘All you need is love’. 88% of …
Seriously are men that insecure about women being successful – or was there something else at play?
We often find that within relationships the issue that presents itself is often not the true issue at the heart of the problem
So when I started to delve into the issues around women who are successful and men being intimidated by that – I was shocked by what I discovered.
People throw around the term ‘narcissist’ a lot, both in the media and online. Prominent figures, from celebrities to world leaders, can fall prey to accusations they’re a narcissist.
Make no mistake, true narcissists are dangerous and predatory individuals. They do not wish for good things for anyone but themselves. No good comes from associating with them.
Yet you might wonder what makes someone a narcissist. How can you spot one, and what should you do if you do?
The dating apps feel like being stuck on a treadmill. Speed dating is the ultimate game of ‘pot luck’.
What do you do when you feel stuck? You reach out for help. There’s certainly plenty of it out there. But what advice is actually worth listening to?
These steps apply whether you’re still with a narcissist, or you’ve been in a relationship with one. You’ll also be able to apply some of the steps to friendships with narcissists since their tactics are very similar to romantic relationships.
Whether you’re their “best friend” or partner, they seek only to use you for their own ends.
You've read some articles. Listened to some podcasts. Spoken to your friend who always knows about these things. And you've finally realised the truth about your partner.
It's not you, it's them. And they're a narcissist.
Whether you've just started dating or you've been together a while, the realisation is no less daunting. Though it can often come as a relief. You aren't going crazy and you aren't a terrible person!
But now what? How do you get a narcissist to leave you alone?
By Icy Sedgwick - Love With Intelligence Online Dating Profiler
Manipulation is part of the human condition. That’s not to say it’s right, just that it’s common. Everyone will try to get their own way from time to time. That could be a parent telling their child they won’t get ice cream unless they tell the truth. Or it might be a manager using the threat of redundancy to get more work out of their already over-worked employees.
Many people identify as empaths. They're big-hearted, sensitive, and eager to help everyone. They'll cry with their best friend when a beloved pet dies. And they'll go out of their way to help a lost tourist get to where they're going.
They're also the favourite prey of narcissists.